Remember When? Some things never change..

I guess for a few days I have been thinking about the past a bit. Just things I have done and things I didn't and some things that changed and some things that never will. When I was little Heather was my best friend, we had normal fights like any other siblings but I could never bring myself to hate her like sadly, some people let happen. From when I was three and she was six she has been there for me and now I'm almost 19 and she is 21 and she is still taking care of me. It is kinda crazy to see how much we have grown up and the things we've been through and the amazing woman she has become but some things like sisters being best friends FOREVER will never change. It is also crazy to think that two years ago my family had no interest in the church and my little siblings were getting more and more lost. Who knew after 5 years of hoping and praying, I was sealed to them last year! I know now that people and things DO change if it is God's will he will find a way. 6 years ago I met the sweetest and cutest girl ever who knew I needed a friend and who knew that although we were pretty opposite as far as personalities go, we clicked and she became my best friend and I truly believe one for life. Things have changed, we have moved away and she is now happily married and we don't get to talk as much but I can still feel her love and support for me. No matter what happens that friendship we have built will never go away. My little sister is starting Jr. High this year, I can't believe how long ago that seems for me! I was so little and let's admit, not on the attractive side lol and also terrified! Jr. High was some hard times and I'll admit I am scared for her! And that is another thing that will never change, Jr. High sucks. end of story haha. I also remember when I was 16 and I met this crazy blonde haired boy and took him on a date. Soon after that, we became some sort of thing I guess and then I thought for sure I was in real love with him. Although we haven't always had the best of times and we broke apart a few times, he was always one of my dearest friends and I would have done anything for him in a heartbeat. Who could have guessed that almost two and a half years later, I still get butterflies when he holds my hand and I still dream of being with him forever and we are still the best of friends and he still knows exactly what I'm thinking sometimes and he knows just how to make things better and when I'm about to cry and if I'm lying ( I could do without that one..) and I still can't picture my life without him. Of all the things I do remember and all the things that have changed, could change or will change and all that life has taught me and brought me to up to this point is that a life without love isn't complete. No matter what you find and invest your love in, there must be something. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." I remember the day I fell for him and I am still in love with Jared Handley and that will never change.

I Don't Know Who I am Without You

It's one thing when others, boys especially, hurt me and just don't really seem to care but then when they do the same to my friends, it makes me even more mad! I hate when I see others treating my best friends or my family like crap. Sometimes I wish I could just pull them all behind me and just fight all their battles and beat every person up who ever thought it was okay to not treat them like they amazing loving person they are! I admit that sometimes when things happen to me, I really feel like I deserved it for whatever reason, kind of like karma but when I see my family and my best friends do absolutely nothing wrong and still get hurt, it just drives me crazy and it breaks my heart. I want to be that person for them, I want to be the one they know will fight for them and take the fall, I want to be the one they know I won't take any of that, I won't let others hurt them, I won't allow bullies to be in their life! But it's sad because I feel like I really try to be and sometimes I feel like I am but they don't know that.. and maybe it's my fault but I guess maybe sometimes they don't realize how much I do and how much I would literally take a bullet for them. I definitely don't want to make this sound like it's a burden on me because it's definitely not. But I guess when it gets to the point that I feel like they don't need it or me for that matter.. I guess that's when I question what am I doing?

A couple months ago I went home for a spring break and all at once, all three of my best friends were having a hard time and so each told me everything that was going on and cried and looked to me for some kind of answer, I couldn't give them one because there is no definite answer for life's problems but I hope I said something that helped them.. anyway one of the nights Jared took me for a drive and I was just so upset that all these things were happening to my best friends and that I couldn't help them. I couldn't be there for them because I lived 300 miles away.  I was helpless and hurting so bad for them, I wished so bad that night that I could just take it all away from them. I cried my eyes out that night to Jared and I don't think he quite understood why but he said afterwards that my friends will be okay because they have me.. he said that he hasn't ever seen someone care so much for a friend before let alone three. But he also said to be careful because the people who care so much tend to get hurt. I just want them to know that I am here. I want them to need me.. heh. Jared is that person to me, he was always saving me and fighting my battles and answering the phone at two in the morning and waiting ready to take that bullet for me. I miss him so much, and I am grateful for him and for all my other friends and my family. You have all made me who I am today.

See You Soon

Yesterday I had to see Jared for the last time for the next two years and tonight at 8 pm I have to say goodbye and not hear his voice again for two years. I love him so much though! He left me with a teddy-wolf who is wearing a cute little missionary outfit and a Book of Mormon :) He also gave me a pretty heart necklace, it's sparkly and I love it! He left me his Zune to watch over and nurture lol and some pictures, and a guitar pick, and some notes and letters from while we were dating, and he also recorded a little video for me to watch when I get lonely. Most importantly he has left me with his love and I really take that seriously :) He is my will to carry on and he is everything to me! I have never felt this way before and although it is so hard to let him go, it's not a goodbye. He will be back home to me soon :) I will never forget about him and us. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and sometimes I still think how did I get him? and why me? He could have any other girl he wanted but he chose me! And I just can't help but feel that this is so right, he and I just make sense and I just feel like everything that we have been through and that even when all the odds were against us and it seemed stupid that we came back together and we don't have a lot of support or people we can share it with but I know it's true. Every fiber of my being tells me it all has to mean something.. I don't have the authority to say that we are meant to be and that we will end up together but I do hope for it so so much and I have so much faith in him.. but more importantly I trust in my God too and I know he will take care of us and by whatever means, make us happy :)  So it isn't goodbye to my sweetheart, Jared. It's see you soon babe :) I love you always and forever.

Time For Change

oh dear, I know it has been forever since I blogged and I am ashamed haha but I am considering making mine a little more interesting with real things I guess? ha so I can't believe how many things have happened in my life in the last 2 and half months. Well Jared and I officially got back together and for once, I feel so good about it. I haven't had so much love in such a short amount of time before. He is leaving for his mission in one week and I am scared.. but also so proud of him. I know what the effect of conversion and hearts changing can bring about and knowing the story of my family, there is no way I would not let him go. Even if there is just one single person waiting for him to come change their lives.. that one person needs him more than I do. I will miss him more than I can imagine but I know everything will be okay and that I will be comforted :)

Some other changes that are occuring includes school coming to an end, I can't believe I have already completed a whole year of college! it went by fast, and I'm taking this summer off to just work a ton and hopefully have some fun! Also Courtney is leaving.. we have known eachother since freshman year and maybe before that but we never really got close close but if I had known how amazing she was and how great of a friend she is, I would have tightened our friendship long ago! I am going to miss her so much this summer. My best friend Emma is also getting married in June and idk if I am ready for that change either! I still remember us as little seventh graders! and now she is starting a family! I am so excited for her and proud and I know she found a wonderful guy who is going to take care of her and love her for all eternity so that puts me at ease :) I have realized that I don't ever really wish to do things over or for second chances, I think I more just wish for more time. More time with my friends, more time with Jared, more time to sleep, more time to get to know people, more time to let things go, more time to watch One Tree Hill! lol but really I know that it's never too late to do things or influence people but sometimes we make mistakes ya know? well that's all I have for now so to whoever reads my blog.. farewell! :)

Home

I think everybody reaches that point when they're at college and everything is going good but also everything is going wrong. It's not that my room-mates are being mean or that my classes are hard and it's definitely not that the weather is bad. I just wish I could go home. I need to get away from here for awhile. I wish I could go back to the summers at home where Emma and Mirranda and I would always go to that cute little candy store and get the most delicious chocolates. I wish I could be walking through the gateway with them right now without a care in the world. I wish I could just stay home on a Saturday night and mess around and have fun with my siblings. I wish I could walk into my moms room while she's watching CSI and just sit on her bed and talk to her. I wish I could just take a drive all the way up Middle Canyon to clear my head or just drive all over Tooele which would only take less than an hour and not have to worry about getting lost or getting trapped headed on a freeway. I wish I go to a park at eleven o clock and just lay under the stars. I wish I could be having a sleepover with Corinne right now. Yes, high school had drama and parents and rules but life was simpler than it is now. Now I'm alone with a thousand people who don't know me at all. I'm living in an apartment that will never be home and I'm making these wishes that cant come true. I do know one thing for sure, if I didn't have Heather, I would most definitely be having a mid-life crisis. Everybody is right though, I didn't realize all I had until it was gone. They also say that home is where your heart is, well I am struggling with who I am and what I want and to be honest, I really don't know where my heart is so it seems appropriate if I want to figure these things out, I need to go home. I miss home.

The Personal Contract

Regardless of any other agreements I have made with anybody else thus far in my life, the greatest agreement I hold myself to is that to myself. That once I told myself that I am Holly Marie Moat and I can do anything. I don't have to live for anybody. The only other person that is an equal contract holder and liable for what I do and don't do is God. Nothing is ever set in stone and nothing is ever meant to be. Everything that happens does because of a chain of events that were caused by individuals making, following, or breaking an agreement. When you have faith in someone, you are trusting that they have written their personal contract and that they have that agreement beween them and God to be the best they can be at all times. I am my best and I do my best because I can and I choose to, it doesn't matter what anyone else wants from me. If you worry about me or show a lack of confidence in my chioces then you are doubting my ability to follow my contract. Nevertheless it doesn't matter. I don't need anyone to have faith in me or trust me or even love me. I don't even need a man to be happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. I know that God loves me, he trusts me, he knows me and I trust him and love him. That agreement is one I will never bargain because it is the only one that matters. Even when all my other agreements are being shattered and my whole contract seems to be falling apart right in front of me and my very knowledge of who I am is seemingly being broken, that one agreement always remains standing and strong waiting for me to fall upon it. He remains there waiting for me to come to him and in-turn fufill that contract we made so very long ago. So what is my contract? Well, I believe in Christ and more importantly he believes in me and that is what makes every moment count.

The Song Stuck In My Head

Let's just admit it that I have seen this thing they call love never work out. I've been deserted and I've been hurt too many times before. But now you're here standing in front of me and I just can't stop from thinking..
      Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
You come close to me, I start trembling because I still can't beleive that it's true. You make my heart race when I look at you're face telling me that you'll never leave and then I think..
      Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
Yes here it is, right before me. I can see it.. Could this be my happy ending? Now I'm letting go, falling for everything and finally I want to tell you what's been on my mind..
      Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise. Your laugh is still stuck in my head, goin la la la love. Your hands are my safest anchor and your kiss takes me far away and the voice that says we're going to make it, it goes la la la la love. Now I sing la la la la love. La la la la love.