Monday, February 14, 2011
I think everybody reaches that point when they're at college and everything is going good but also everything is going wrong. It's not that my room-mates are being mean or that my classes are hard and it's definitely not that the weather is bad. I just wish I could go home. I need to get away from here for awhile. I wish I could go back to the summers at home where Emma and Mirranda and I would always go to that cute little candy store and get the most delicious chocolates. I wish I could be walking through the gateway with them right now without a care in the world. I wish I could just stay home on a Saturday night and mess around and have fun with my siblings. I wish I could walk into my moms room while she's watching CSI and just sit on her bed and talk to her. I wish I could just take a drive all the way up Middle Canyon to clear my head or just drive all over Tooele which would only take less than an hour and not have to worry about getting lost or getting trapped headed on a freeway. I wish I go to a park at eleven o clock and just lay under the stars. I wish I could be having a sleepover with Corinne right now. Yes, high school had drama and parents and rules but life was simpler than it is now. Now I'm alone with a thousand people who don't know me at all. I'm living in an apartment that will never be home and I'm making these wishes that cant come true. I do know one thing for sure, if I didn't have Heather, I would most definitely be having a mid-life crisis. Everybody is right though, I didn't realize all I had until it was gone. They also say that home is where your heart is, well I am struggling with who I am and what I want and to be honest, I really don't know where my heart is so it seems appropriate if I want to figure these things out, I need to go home. I miss home.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Regardless of any other agreements I have made with anybody else thus far in my life, the greatest agreement I hold myself to is that to myself. That once I told myself that I am Holly Marie Moat and I can do anything. I don't have to live for anybody. The only other person that is an equal contract holder and liable for what I do and don't do is God. Nothing is ever set in stone and nothing is ever meant to be. Everything that happens does because of a chain of events that were caused by individuals making, following, or breaking an agreement. When you have faith in someone, you are trusting that they have written their personal contract and that they have that agreement beween them and God to be the best they can be at all times. I am my best and I do my best because I can and I choose to, it doesn't matter what anyone else wants from me. If you worry about me or show a lack of confidence in my chioces then you are doubting my ability to follow my contract. Nevertheless it doesn't matter. I don't need anyone to have faith in me or trust me or even love me. I don't even need a man to be happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. I know that God loves me, he trusts me, he knows me and I trust him and love him. That agreement is one I will never bargain because it is the only one that matters. Even when all my other agreements are being shattered and my whole contract seems to be falling apart right in front of me and my very knowledge of who I am is seemingly being broken, that one agreement always remains standing and strong waiting for me to fall upon it. He remains there waiting for me to come to him and in-turn fufill that contract we made so very long ago. So what is my contract? Well, I believe in Christ and more importantly he believes in me and that is what makes every moment count.