Saturday, May 19, 2012

My Emotional Dump.. read with caution

How am I supposed to describe how I am feeling and the complete heavy emptiness that weighs my heart down? I don't even know how to tackle tomorrow let alone my near future. I can't even fathom how I am ever going to feel like I don't need him in my life. He was my mate and my best friend, I almost feel like he just died and a part of me went with him. I am scared that I am going to slip into some kind of depression because all I can bring myself to do is lay in my bed and cry as stupid and pathetic as that sounds but it's how I feel and I know no-one can ever truly understand except my Heavenly Father but I wish someone could. I just wish it didn't end like this, how could he just walk away? This has happened in the past before when we were 16 but those were different circumstances and it seemed more mutual. He says that he can't explain why he really needed to do it but that he feels it is right. What does that even mean?? Yes we have our problems and we may have had a few things to figure out with our future but that's the point of relationships! They aren't supposed to be easy and problem-free. We're supposed to work through them TOGETHER and he isn't supposed to give up on us, it's not fair to me. I have NEVER given up on him or us and it's always worked out in the end.

 I just don't know how I can ever replace him as odd as that sounds to most because everyone says that he wasn't the best boyfriend and that we fought and other things but the truth is he was everything to me, he was always there to hear my problems and stories about my day and issues with my room-mates. He was always there when I was sad to comfort me. He made an effort to spend time with me even when I knew he had other things to do or maybe didn't want to do something, but he did anyway. He put up with my goofiness and my drama. He made me laugh, we had so many jokes and stories and memories. It's just all gone now and the worse part is that I feel like he is okay with it all, if it is going to be better and if this was the right choice, how come I don't feel an ounce of assurance? I don't feel good about this at all. I feel sick and misplaced and let down. I feel broken and unwanted. And don't tell me it's because I don't have faith, I have more faith than you can imagine and I have been on my knees till they hurt for the past week but I still feel nothing. Right now I am trying my best to forgive him and me I guess and then maybe I wont be so mad at him, I won't be in this great and terrible battle with myself of loving him and hating him. Maybe he really didn't realize how much I really loved. I don't think he knows how much this is really is affecting me and what he has chose to do. Maybe no-one does. I just can't wait until the hard part is over, maybe I will be able to finally live without Jared Handley in my life even though it still rocks me to the core to even type that sentence or re-tell myself that this is real.

I'm such a fool to think that I could actually have this perfect story kind of love and that it would last this time and that I would never have to taste the sting of love again. Well again I was wrong, I am so sick of this happening. Maybe I have this so off base picture of what love is supposed to be and what it feels like well maybe I will never fully grasp it again because after this, I don't know how I am supposed to love again. He cut me deep this time, deeper than ever before. All of my other heartbreaks seem almost childlike compared to this. I feel like beating the crap out of him so maybe he can physically feel a fraction of what I feel inside. I can always imagine it, hurting him for everything he has put me through but then when I see him or look at a picture, I know I could never hurt him, it's my blessing and curse at the same time. I just can't believe it's really over. I can't believe all those bridges we built are burned down.

 I can't stand the fact that he isn't in my life anymore and that everything we have accomplished through the years and all the love we created is just destroyed. I remember a few times we would like saying that we have the kind of love that is so strong that you give that person the complete power to destroy you but with that power they make you unbelievably happy. Well I guess he ended up using that power to destroy me after all. It hurts, it really does. I can't see when I am going to not feel this void and emptiness because I have always had it when I didn't have his love, even at times when I had "moved on" and was dating someone else, it was still there. Is it any wonder that we have always found our way back to each other again? Does that mean that I am thinking this will blow over and we'll get back together eventually? Definitely not, as much as it hurts, I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again and that''s what makes this trial so indefinitely difficult. Well I think for now that is all I can get out, I know it's a lot but I find that writing these feelings down to myself rather than just thinking about them which ultimately makes me cry or talking to others which also results in crying or the giving of advice which I really don't need at the moment. So if anyone read this, I am sorry and just let it be.

Monday, May 7, 2012

I have returned!

Hello there :)
I've decided that since it is now summer and I don't work more than 30 hours a week ever that I have no excuse to get back up with my blog! So in case you were wondering life has been for the most part, good! Some things I'd like to highlight is that I am now an Associate Degree owner from DSC! woot! it feels pretty nice knowing I've gotten this far and I'm not even twenty yet! haha and I have also for a few months now started to read my scriptures in the morning rather than night which I didn't think I would EVER do ha but I think not only has it really helped me to read every day without fail but it also starts my day off so much better which is a major plus for me since I hate mornings! I have also been trying my best to attend the temple every week and so far I've been doing pretty good, I just wish so badly that I could go with Jared every week but it is just virtually impossible with our schedules. Yes I know we could go at 6 am but it's just hard for Jared to get up because of his insomnia :( I always feel so bad for him that he can't ever just sleep like a normal person.

In other news haha I have two of my closest friends getting married this year, it's so crazy! I truly am excited for them though :) maybe a little stressed but still so happy! and my other best friend Emma having a baby late this year too! Just so much excitement and blessings and things to look forward to! And you know occassionally people ask me what's the hold up with Jared and I or why am I waiting around for him or whatever it may be and well to be honest it's kind of the same when people ask others why they're getting married after only dating anywhere between ten to five months! I say that everyone's love is different, some can grow fast and others take more time. Some want to marry to date others want to date to get married. Whatever the case is that God knows what he is doing and if something or someone makes you happy then go for it :) Our time will come, it's just not now, but it will and I am looking forward to it :)

I also am still on the path of getting a new car and I mean new as in new to ownership for me but definitely not new as in it was just made this year haha! I am getting close though! I have about $2,200 saved up right now which is so amazing to me, I feel very proud of myself so the scouring of KSL continues! lol oh and I have also recieved the final grades of two of my 4 classes and so far an A and A- which the latter was in my hardest class :) YAY! I really am just so glad it is summer again, I just love it! I hope it will exceed my expectations! I'm going to try to work and save but at the same time not work all my days away! My room mates and I have created a little bucket list of things we want to do so that should be fun!! I want to make one with Jared too but then again we don't ever do well with plans haha well I am tired and out of boring updates on my average life ha so God be with you till we meet again ;)