Thursday, December 22, 2011

Time time.. and more time

Christmas is coming and I am so excited! but it is so crazy how fast December went by! in fact this whole semester went by fast!! It's a good thing though because I am just plowing forward trying to get school done so I can finally get a job that I love. We had early present exchange with my roommates, it was the best :) They know me so well and I loved seeing their faces as they opened mine. Time is such a weird thing, it just seems like it is always flying by yet when you are anticipating something or greatly want something to happen, why does it go by so slow?? it is frustrating because I am so impatient! It is kind of ironic that I am listening to firework because the other thing on my mind is I want people to know that I am going to be okay and to have faith in my choices.

I know that nobody has ever really understood why I love Jared and why we kept getting back together and I know it all seems very cliche and maybe annoying but I guess I don't know how to explain it either. I just love him and that's all that matters. One of the hardest things is getting used to how they express their love. There are so many times that I doubt he loves me as much as I love him, I know I know it sounds so high school but I am serious and I know I need to get better at it, it's just difficult. Jared and I know that we want to be together and we have a third of the people we know saying to not waste time and risk messing up and go for it and not worry about finances because God will take care of you then we have the other third telling us to wait because we have plenty of time and we need to get established first then lastly we have the other third saying to ignore everyone else and do what WE want. Well that's the only problem, Jared and I seem to want different things or I guess  time frames. and this is where that time annoyance comes in. a year and a half or even two years seems like a hecka long time to wait before marrying him but maybe that is what's best, it's just hard. It's hard having uncertainty, it's hard knowing that something is so right and that you are so ready but having to wait. It's hard not being able to take that next crucial step in our relationship, I feel like we are just stuck because we don't have anything to build on or to move forward to. Well that's all the depressing factors I suppose. I know this gives us more time to "get to know each other" ha that just makes me laugh, as if we need that. And I know it gives me more time to work on myself or whatever and enjoying more time with my room mates and college and less stress I guess and more family time even though I live three hundred miles away..

All of these things have really made me realize though, how long I have been drifting farther and farther from my Heavenly Father and that I need to get back. Maybe it's all a sign or something, I have realized I need him more than ever right now. The greatest thing about Christ is that no matter how far you get away from him or how much you deny that you need him, he always finds you and reminds you that you do. I also need to work on my family relationships, I envy the relationship Heather has with my Mom and Dad, maybe it's because she is the oldest and more wise? haha but I think it is because she puts more time into it, I guess it's just always been harder for me to do that. So maybe it isn't so bad that Jared and I are pushing the next step back a little but it is still hard to accept. There are things that need to be worked on in my life, I know that but I just can't wait till my best friend can be a part of all that. I want to make my major decisions with him, I want us to be poor at the start and grow stronger together because of it, and find fun ways to save money. I want to wake up to his warm smile and know that when I come home, he is always going to be there. It's not really about the ring or the pretty dress or the nice wedding anymore, it's just about belonging to something, starting off my own life, knowing that I can do something viewed as hard or a big deal because it is and I can. It's a little bit of stubbornness as well in not wanting to do what other people say is best or advise is smart or not proving people right. Hmm I guess I should probably stop ranting to my computer now.. My wish for this Christmas is to realize what I need to do and remember what Christ has done for me and how much the people in my life love me.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!