Thursday, May 26, 2011

I Don't Know Who I am Without You

It's one thing when others, boys especially, hurt me and just don't really seem to care but then when they do the same to my friends, it makes me even more mad! I hate when I see others treating my best friends or my family like crap. Sometimes I wish I could just pull them all behind me and just fight all their battles and beat every person up who ever thought it was okay to not treat them like they amazing loving person they are! I admit that sometimes when things happen to me, I really feel like I deserved it for whatever reason, kind of like karma but when I see my family and my best friends do absolutely nothing wrong and still get hurt, it just drives me crazy and it breaks my heart. I want to be that person for them, I want to be the one they know will fight for them and take the fall, I want to be the one they know I won't take any of that, I won't let others hurt them, I won't allow bullies to be in their life! But it's sad because I feel like I really try to be and sometimes I feel like I am but they don't know that.. and maybe it's my fault but I guess maybe sometimes they don't realize how much I do and how much I would literally take a bullet for them. I definitely don't want to make this sound like it's a burden on me because it's definitely not. But I guess when it gets to the point that I feel like they don't need it or me for that matter.. I guess that's when I question what am I doing?

A couple months ago I went home for a spring break and all at once, all three of my best friends were having a hard time and so each told me everything that was going on and cried and looked to me for some kind of answer, I couldn't give them one because there is no definite answer for life's problems but I hope I said something that helped them.. anyway one of the nights Jared took me for a drive and I was just so upset that all these things were happening to my best friends and that I couldn't help them. I couldn't be there for them because I lived 300 miles away.  I was helpless and hurting so bad for them, I wished so bad that night that I could just take it all away from them. I cried my eyes out that night to Jared and I don't think he quite understood why but he said afterwards that my friends will be okay because they have me.. he said that he hasn't ever seen someone care so much for a friend before let alone three. But he also said to be careful because the people who care so much tend to get hurt. I just want them to know that I am here. I want them to need me.. heh. Jared is that person to me, he was always saving me and fighting my battles and answering the phone at two in the morning and waiting ready to take that bullet for me. I miss him so much, and I am grateful for him and for all my other friends and my family. You have all made me who I am today.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

See You Soon

Yesterday I had to see Jared for the last time for the next two years and tonight at 8 pm I have to say goodbye and not hear his voice again for two years. I love him so much though! He left me with a teddy-wolf who is wearing a cute little missionary outfit and a Book of Mormon :) He also gave me a pretty heart necklace, it's sparkly and I love it! He left me his Zune to watch over and nurture lol and some pictures, and a guitar pick, and some notes and letters from while we were dating, and he also recorded a little video for me to watch when I get lonely. Most importantly he has left me with his love and I really take that seriously :) He is my will to carry on and he is everything to me! I have never felt this way before and although it is so hard to let him go, it's not a goodbye. He will be back home to me soon :) I will never forget about him and us. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and sometimes I still think how did I get him? and why me? He could have any other girl he wanted but he chose me! And I just can't help but feel that this is so right, he and I just make sense and I just feel like everything that we have been through and that even when all the odds were against us and it seemed stupid that we came back together and we don't have a lot of support or people we can share it with but I know it's true. Every fiber of my being tells me it all has to mean something.. I don't have the authority to say that we are meant to be and that we will end up together but I do hope for it so so much and I have so much faith in him.. but more importantly I trust in my God too and I know he will take care of us and by whatever means, make us happy :)  So it isn't goodbye to my sweetheart, Jared. It's see you soon babe :) I love you always and forever.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Time For Change

oh dear, I know it has been forever since I blogged and I am ashamed haha but I am considering making mine a little more interesting with real things I guess? ha so I can't believe how many things have happened in my life in the last 2 and half months. Well Jared and I officially got back together and for once, I feel so good about it. I haven't had so much love in such a short amount of time before. He is leaving for his mission in one week and I am scared.. but also so proud of him. I know what the effect of conversion and hearts changing can bring about and knowing the story of my family, there is no way I would not let him go. Even if there is just one single person waiting for him to come change their lives.. that one person needs him more than I do. I will miss him more than I can imagine but I know everything will be okay and that I will be comforted :)

Some other changes that are occuring includes school coming to an end, I can't believe I have already completed a whole year of college! it went by fast, and I'm taking this summer off to just work a ton and hopefully have some fun! Also Courtney is leaving.. we have known eachother since freshman year and maybe before that but we never really got close close but if I had known how amazing she was and how great of a friend she is, I would have tightened our friendship long ago! I am going to miss her so much this summer. My best friend Emma is also getting married in June and idk if I am ready for that change either! I still remember us as little seventh graders! and now she is starting a family! I am so excited for her and proud and I know she found a wonderful guy who is going to take care of her and love her for all eternity so that puts me at ease :) I have realized that I don't ever really wish to do things over or for second chances, I think I more just wish for more time. More time with my friends, more time with Jared, more time to sleep, more time to get to know people, more time to let things go, more time to watch One Tree Hill! lol but really I know that it's never too late to do things or influence people but sometimes we make mistakes ya know? well that's all I have for now so to whoever reads my blog.. farewell! :)