How am I supposed to describe how I am feeling and the complete heavy emptiness that weighs my heart down? I don't even know how to tackle tomorrow let alone my near future. I can't even fathom how I am ever going to feel like I don't need him in my life. He was my mate and my best friend, I almost feel like he just died and a part of me went with him. I am scared that I am going to slip into some kind of depression because all I can bring myself to do is lay in my bed and cry as stupid and pathetic as that sounds but it's how I feel and I know no-one can ever truly understand except my Heavenly Father but I wish someone could. I just wish it didn't end like this, how could he just walk away? This has happened in the past before when we were 16 but those were different circumstances and it seemed more mutual. He says that he can't explain why he really needed to do it but that he feels it is right. What does that even mean?? Yes we have our problems and we may have had a few things to figure out with our future but that's the point of relationships! They aren't supposed to be easy and problem-free. We're supposed to work through them TOGETHER and he isn't supposed to give up on us, it's not fair to me. I have NEVER given up on him or us and it's always worked out in the end.
I just don't know how I can ever replace him as odd as that sounds to most because everyone says that he wasn't the best boyfriend and that we fought and other things but the truth is he was everything to me, he was always there to hear my problems and stories about my day and issues with my room-mates. He was always there when I was sad to comfort me. He made an effort to spend time with me even when I knew he had other things to do or maybe didn't want to do something, but he did anyway. He put up with my goofiness and my drama. He made me laugh, we had so many jokes and stories and memories. It's just all gone now and the worse part is that I feel like he is okay with it all, if it is going to be better and if this was the right choice, how come I don't feel an ounce of assurance? I don't feel good about this at all. I feel sick and misplaced and let down. I feel broken and unwanted. And don't tell me it's because I don't have faith, I have more faith than you can imagine and I have been on my knees till they hurt for the past week but I still feel nothing. Right now I am trying my best to forgive him and me I guess and then maybe I wont be so mad at him, I won't be in this great and terrible battle with myself of loving him and hating him. Maybe he really didn't realize how much I really loved. I don't think he knows how much this is really is affecting me and what he has chose to do. Maybe no-one does. I just can't wait until the hard part is over, maybe I will be able to finally live without Jared Handley in my life even though it still rocks me to the core to even type that sentence or re-tell myself that this is real.
I'm such a fool to think that I could actually have this perfect story kind of love and that it would last this time and that I would never have to taste the sting of love again. Well again I was wrong, I am so sick of this happening. Maybe I have this so off base picture of what love is supposed to be and what it feels like well maybe I will never fully grasp it again because after this, I don't know how I am supposed to love again. He cut me deep this time, deeper than ever before. All of my other heartbreaks seem almost childlike compared to this. I feel like beating the crap out of him so maybe he can physically feel a fraction of what I feel inside. I can always imagine it, hurting him for everything he has put me through but then when I see him or look at a picture, I know I could never hurt him, it's my blessing and curse at the same time. I just can't believe it's really over. I can't believe all those bridges we built are burned down.
I can't stand the fact that he isn't in my life anymore and that everything we have accomplished through the years and all the love we created is just destroyed. I remember a few times we would like saying that we have the kind of love that is so strong that you give that person the complete power to destroy you but with that power they make you unbelievably happy. Well I guess he ended up using that power to destroy me after all. It hurts, it really does. I can't see when I am going to not feel this void and emptiness because I have always had it when I didn't have his love, even at times when I had "moved on" and was dating someone else, it was still there. Is it any wonder that we have always found our way back to each other again? Does that mean that I am thinking this will blow over and we'll get back together eventually? Definitely not, as much as it hurts, I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again and that''s what makes this trial so indefinitely difficult. Well I think for now that is all I can get out, I know it's a lot but I find that writing these feelings down to myself rather than just thinking about them which ultimately makes me cry or talking to others which also results in crying or the giving of advice which I really don't need at the moment. So if anyone read this, I am sorry and just let it be.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
I have returned!
Hello there :)
I've decided that since it is now summer and I don't work more than 30 hours a week ever that I have no excuse to get back up with my blog! So in case you were wondering life has been for the most part, good! Some things I'd like to highlight is that I am now an Associate Degree owner from DSC! woot! it feels pretty nice knowing I've gotten this far and I'm not even twenty yet! haha and I have also for a few months now started to read my scriptures in the morning rather than night which I didn't think I would EVER do ha but I think not only has it really helped me to read every day without fail but it also starts my day off so much better which is a major plus for me since I hate mornings! I have also been trying my best to attend the temple every week and so far I've been doing pretty good, I just wish so badly that I could go with Jared every week but it is just virtually impossible with our schedules. Yes I know we could go at 6 am but it's just hard for Jared to get up because of his insomnia :( I always feel so bad for him that he can't ever just sleep like a normal person.
In other news haha I have two of my closest friends getting married this year, it's so crazy! I truly am excited for them though :) maybe a little stressed but still so happy! and my other best friend Emma having a baby late this year too! Just so much excitement and blessings and things to look forward to! And you know occassionally people ask me what's the hold up with Jared and I or why am I waiting around for him or whatever it may be and well to be honest it's kind of the same when people ask others why they're getting married after only dating anywhere between ten to five months! I say that everyone's love is different, some can grow fast and others take more time. Some want to marry to date others want to date to get married. Whatever the case is that God knows what he is doing and if something or someone makes you happy then go for it :) Our time will come, it's just not now, but it will and I am looking forward to it :)
I also am still on the path of getting a new car and I mean new as in new to ownership for me but definitely not new as in it was just made this year haha! I am getting close though! I have about $2,200 saved up right now which is so amazing to me, I feel very proud of myself so the scouring of KSL continues! lol oh and I have also recieved the final grades of two of my 4 classes and so far an A and A- which the latter was in my hardest class :) YAY! I really am just so glad it is summer again, I just love it! I hope it will exceed my expectations! I'm going to try to work and save but at the same time not work all my days away! My room mates and I have created a little bucket list of things we want to do so that should be fun!! I want to make one with Jared too but then again we don't ever do well with plans haha well I am tired and out of boring updates on my average life ha so God be with you till we meet again ;)
I've decided that since it is now summer and I don't work more than 30 hours a week ever that I have no excuse to get back up with my blog! So in case you were wondering life has been for the most part, good! Some things I'd like to highlight is that I am now an Associate Degree owner from DSC! woot! it feels pretty nice knowing I've gotten this far and I'm not even twenty yet! haha and I have also for a few months now started to read my scriptures in the morning rather than night which I didn't think I would EVER do ha but I think not only has it really helped me to read every day without fail but it also starts my day off so much better which is a major plus for me since I hate mornings! I have also been trying my best to attend the temple every week and so far I've been doing pretty good, I just wish so badly that I could go with Jared every week but it is just virtually impossible with our schedules. Yes I know we could go at 6 am but it's just hard for Jared to get up because of his insomnia :( I always feel so bad for him that he can't ever just sleep like a normal person.
In other news haha I have two of my closest friends getting married this year, it's so crazy! I truly am excited for them though :) maybe a little stressed but still so happy! and my other best friend Emma having a baby late this year too! Just so much excitement and blessings and things to look forward to! And you know occassionally people ask me what's the hold up with Jared and I or why am I waiting around for him or whatever it may be and well to be honest it's kind of the same when people ask others why they're getting married after only dating anywhere between ten to five months! I say that everyone's love is different, some can grow fast and others take more time. Some want to marry to date others want to date to get married. Whatever the case is that God knows what he is doing and if something or someone makes you happy then go for it :) Our time will come, it's just not now, but it will and I am looking forward to it :)
I also am still on the path of getting a new car and I mean new as in new to ownership for me but definitely not new as in it was just made this year haha! I am getting close though! I have about $2,200 saved up right now which is so amazing to me, I feel very proud of myself so the scouring of KSL continues! lol oh and I have also recieved the final grades of two of my 4 classes and so far an A and A- which the latter was in my hardest class :) YAY! I really am just so glad it is summer again, I just love it! I hope it will exceed my expectations! I'm going to try to work and save but at the same time not work all my days away! My room mates and I have created a little bucket list of things we want to do so that should be fun!! I want to make one with Jared too but then again we don't ever do well with plans haha well I am tired and out of boring updates on my average life ha so God be with you till we meet again ;)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Forever & Always
I really was planning on my next post being an actual update on my life and something happy! but I guess you can't plan life.. Well I was just listening to Taylor Swift today and I am still amazed that she knows just what words to write and how to put them together. This is so hard for me and I don't know what to do anymore, have you ever given your whole heart to someone and loved them unconditionally only to find out someday that they don't have that shared feeling? It may sound high school ish I know but it's even harder and more frustrating when you know they can love you like that because they have before but then they just decided to stop trying. Well before I say too much on here, here is the song I would like to share, it's called Forever and Always.
Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye. We caught onto something. I hold onto that night you looked me in the eye and told me, you. loved. me. Were you just kidding?? Cause' it seems to me, this thing is breaking down and we almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore.. Baby what happened? Please tell me, cause one second it was perfect! Now you're halfway out the door.. And I stare at the phone, you STILL haven't called and then I feel so low, I can't feel nothing at all and then I flashback to when you said forever and always. Oh and it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong, it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always.
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide? Like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes, thought I KNEW you for a minute but now I'm not so sure.. So here's to everything coming down. to. nothing. Here's to silence. That cuts me to the core, where is this going?? Thought I knew for a moment but I don't, anymore. Oh and it rains in my bedroom when everything is wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone! I was there when you said forever and always. You didn't mean it. Oh back up baby back up, did you forget everything? Back up baby back up did you forget about me? Back up, baby back up please! Cause it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong! It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always! Oh and I stare at the phone, you still haven't called.. and I feel so alone, I can't feel anything at all. Then I flashback to when we said forever and always. You didn't mean it. I don't think so.. you said forever and always.
Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye. We caught onto something. I hold onto that night you looked me in the eye and told me, you. loved. me. Were you just kidding?? Cause' it seems to me, this thing is breaking down and we almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore.. Baby what happened? Please tell me, cause one second it was perfect! Now you're halfway out the door.. And I stare at the phone, you STILL haven't called and then I feel so low, I can't feel nothing at all and then I flashback to when you said forever and always. Oh and it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong, it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always.
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide? Like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes, thought I KNEW you for a minute but now I'm not so sure.. So here's to everything coming down. to. nothing. Here's to silence. That cuts me to the core, where is this going?? Thought I knew for a moment but I don't, anymore. Oh and it rains in my bedroom when everything is wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone! I was there when you said forever and always. You didn't mean it. Oh back up baby back up, did you forget everything? Back up baby back up did you forget about me? Back up, baby back up please! Cause it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong! It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always! Oh and I stare at the phone, you still haven't called.. and I feel so alone, I can't feel anything at all. Then I flashback to when we said forever and always. You didn't mean it. I don't think so.. you said forever and always.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I'm just a silly girl
Sometimes I smile at you just so I can see you smile back.
Sometimes I do something stupid just to see if you will roll your eyes or do it with me.
Sometimes I run way faster than my body can go because I don't know how else to get my emotions out.
Sometimes I put myself down because I need you to lift me up.
Sometimes I lie about how I feel because I'm scared of what you would think.
Sometimes I watch chick flicks because I believe someday they will happen to me.
Sometimes I yell at my parents because they don't know you like I do.
Sometimes I cry after you leave because I don't know how to tell you you've hurt me.
Sometimes I call you a jerk because I'm not afraid of you.
Sometimes I write blogs about you because I miss you.
Sometimes I do my make-up different to see if you will notice.
Sometimes I feel like I love you too much but I can't help it.
Sometimes I stare at my phone waiting for you to text me.
Sometimes I ask you to explain something to me just so I can hear your voice.
Sometimes I want to run away but that would mean leaving you behind.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the girl of your dreams because you are better than the man of mine.
Sometimes I go crazy worrying about everything and asking you dumb questions and wondering what's on your mind and feeling inadequate and just trying to be perfect all the time. I don't have a reason really, I don't always have an explanation for all the things I do that you don't understand at times. I guess maybe I'm just a silly girl.
Sometimes I do something stupid just to see if you will roll your eyes or do it with me.
Sometimes I run way faster than my body can go because I don't know how else to get my emotions out.
Sometimes I put myself down because I need you to lift me up.
Sometimes I lie about how I feel because I'm scared of what you would think.
Sometimes I watch chick flicks because I believe someday they will happen to me.
Sometimes I yell at my parents because they don't know you like I do.
Sometimes I cry after you leave because I don't know how to tell you you've hurt me.
Sometimes I call you a jerk because I'm not afraid of you.
Sometimes I write blogs about you because I miss you.
Sometimes I do my make-up different to see if you will notice.
Sometimes I feel like I love you too much but I can't help it.
Sometimes I stare at my phone waiting for you to text me.
Sometimes I ask you to explain something to me just so I can hear your voice.
Sometimes I want to run away but that would mean leaving you behind.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the girl of your dreams because you are better than the man of mine.
Sometimes I go crazy worrying about everything and asking you dumb questions and wondering what's on your mind and feeling inadequate and just trying to be perfect all the time. I don't have a reason really, I don't always have an explanation for all the things I do that you don't understand at times. I guess maybe I'm just a silly girl.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Just Because
She knows right when I'm about cry.
I know she can do it when she doesn't want to try.
She is sometimes the only one who laughs when I'm trying to be funny.
As long as I am here, she will never feel like a nobody.
She will stay up all night if I have to talk.
If she can no longer run, I will help her to walk.
She gives me everything even if that leaves her with none.
I wonder if she knows how much she is loved.
She holds my hand tight when I start to go under.
I don't trust any guy to ever be good enough for her.
She means everything to me and I thank God daily.
I recieved the best of sisters and that includes Hailey.
Not much has changed since we were 7 and 10,
Except now instead of barbies, we have internet.
We are now 19 and 22
With so little to gain but so much to lose.
She is still my best friend now and forever,
More like an angel, my sister, Heather.
I know she can do it when she doesn't want to try.
She is sometimes the only one who laughs when I'm trying to be funny.
As long as I am here, she will never feel like a nobody.
She will stay up all night if I have to talk.
If she can no longer run, I will help her to walk.
She gives me everything even if that leaves her with none.
I wonder if she knows how much she is loved.
She holds my hand tight when I start to go under.
I don't trust any guy to ever be good enough for her.
She means everything to me and I thank God daily.
I recieved the best of sisters and that includes Hailey.
Not much has changed since we were 7 and 10,
Except now instead of barbies, we have internet.
We are now 19 and 22
With so little to gain but so much to lose.
She is still my best friend now and forever,
More like an angel, my sister, Heather.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Time time.. and more time
Christmas is coming and I am so excited! but it is so crazy how fast December went by! in fact this whole semester went by fast!! It's a good thing though because I am just plowing forward trying to get school done so I can finally get a job that I love. We had early present exchange with my roommates, it was the best :) They know me so well and I loved seeing their faces as they opened mine. Time is such a weird thing, it just seems like it is always flying by yet when you are anticipating something or greatly want something to happen, why does it go by so slow?? it is frustrating because I am so impatient! It is kind of ironic that I am listening to firework because the other thing on my mind is I want people to know that I am going to be okay and to have faith in my choices.
I know that nobody has ever really understood why I love Jared and why we kept getting back together and I know it all seems very cliche and maybe annoying but I guess I don't know how to explain it either. I just love him and that's all that matters. One of the hardest things is getting used to how they express their love. There are so many times that I doubt he loves me as much as I love him, I know I know it sounds so high school but I am serious and I know I need to get better at it, it's just difficult. Jared and I know that we want to be together and we have a third of the people we know saying to not waste time and risk messing up and go for it and not worry about finances because God will take care of you then we have the other third telling us to wait because we have plenty of time and we need to get established first then lastly we have the other third saying to ignore everyone else and do what WE want. Well that's the only problem, Jared and I seem to want different things or I guess time frames. and this is where that time annoyance comes in. a year and a half or even two years seems like a hecka long time to wait before marrying him but maybe that is what's best, it's just hard. It's hard having uncertainty, it's hard knowing that something is so right and that you are so ready but having to wait. It's hard not being able to take that next crucial step in our relationship, I feel like we are just stuck because we don't have anything to build on or to move forward to. Well that's all the depressing factors I suppose. I know this gives us more time to "get to know each other" ha that just makes me laugh, as if we need that. And I know it gives me more time to work on myself or whatever and enjoying more time with my room mates and college and less stress I guess and more family time even though I live three hundred miles away..
All of these things have really made me realize though, how long I have been drifting farther and farther from my Heavenly Father and that I need to get back. Maybe it's all a sign or something, I have realized I need him more than ever right now. The greatest thing about Christ is that no matter how far you get away from him or how much you deny that you need him, he always finds you and reminds you that you do. I also need to work on my family relationships, I envy the relationship Heather has with my Mom and Dad, maybe it's because she is the oldest and more wise? haha but I think it is because she puts more time into it, I guess it's just always been harder for me to do that. So maybe it isn't so bad that Jared and I are pushing the next step back a little but it is still hard to accept. There are things that need to be worked on in my life, I know that but I just can't wait till my best friend can be a part of all that. I want to make my major decisions with him, I want us to be poor at the start and grow stronger together because of it, and find fun ways to save money. I want to wake up to his warm smile and know that when I come home, he is always going to be there. It's not really about the ring or the pretty dress or the nice wedding anymore, it's just about belonging to something, starting off my own life, knowing that I can do something viewed as hard or a big deal because it is and I can. It's a little bit of stubbornness as well in not wanting to do what other people say is best or advise is smart or not proving people right. Hmm I guess I should probably stop ranting to my computer now.. My wish for this Christmas is to realize what I need to do and remember what Christ has done for me and how much the people in my life love me.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!
I know that nobody has ever really understood why I love Jared and why we kept getting back together and I know it all seems very cliche and maybe annoying but I guess I don't know how to explain it either. I just love him and that's all that matters. One of the hardest things is getting used to how they express their love. There are so many times that I doubt he loves me as much as I love him, I know I know it sounds so high school but I am serious and I know I need to get better at it, it's just difficult. Jared and I know that we want to be together and we have a third of the people we know saying to not waste time and risk messing up and go for it and not worry about finances because God will take care of you then we have the other third telling us to wait because we have plenty of time and we need to get established first then lastly we have the other third saying to ignore everyone else and do what WE want. Well that's the only problem, Jared and I seem to want different things or I guess time frames. and this is where that time annoyance comes in. a year and a half or even two years seems like a hecka long time to wait before marrying him but maybe that is what's best, it's just hard. It's hard having uncertainty, it's hard knowing that something is so right and that you are so ready but having to wait. It's hard not being able to take that next crucial step in our relationship, I feel like we are just stuck because we don't have anything to build on or to move forward to. Well that's all the depressing factors I suppose. I know this gives us more time to "get to know each other" ha that just makes me laugh, as if we need that. And I know it gives me more time to work on myself or whatever and enjoying more time with my room mates and college and less stress I guess and more family time even though I live three hundred miles away..
All of these things have really made me realize though, how long I have been drifting farther and farther from my Heavenly Father and that I need to get back. Maybe it's all a sign or something, I have realized I need him more than ever right now. The greatest thing about Christ is that no matter how far you get away from him or how much you deny that you need him, he always finds you and reminds you that you do. I also need to work on my family relationships, I envy the relationship Heather has with my Mom and Dad, maybe it's because she is the oldest and more wise? haha but I think it is because she puts more time into it, I guess it's just always been harder for me to do that. So maybe it isn't so bad that Jared and I are pushing the next step back a little but it is still hard to accept. There are things that need to be worked on in my life, I know that but I just can't wait till my best friend can be a part of all that. I want to make my major decisions with him, I want us to be poor at the start and grow stronger together because of it, and find fun ways to save money. I want to wake up to his warm smile and know that when I come home, he is always going to be there. It's not really about the ring or the pretty dress or the nice wedding anymore, it's just about belonging to something, starting off my own life, knowing that I can do something viewed as hard or a big deal because it is and I can. It's a little bit of stubbornness as well in not wanting to do what other people say is best or advise is smart or not proving people right. Hmm I guess I should probably stop ranting to my computer now.. My wish for this Christmas is to realize what I need to do and remember what Christ has done for me and how much the people in my life love me.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Getting Better
Well I was just reading through the past month of my sister's blog so I felt inspired haha. Just one of the ways I wish I could be more like her! So there are just a few things on my mind I would like to share.
First, I was able to go to church today and I bore my testimony and I forgot how good it feels. I am not sure what has happened to me.. as I was reflecting about some things today I realized that it's not that I am doing anything bad therefore I feel okay because I'm not sinning ha which is a good start! However, living the gospel is so much more than just not doing bad things, it's all about DOING good things. It is really not enough just to know it is true and to know you love God, it's about living that. Have you ever heard "Live Like You Believe" by Jenny Phillips? Well it is a great one I would suggest! Part of my testimony was sharing one of my favorite scriptures Ether 12:4, it basically tells us that through our faith in Jesus Christ, we can hope for a better world, which faith and hope is an anchor to our souls. I just love that! No matter how crazy the waves get or how strong the winds are or how lost I get and no matter how my heart is breaking; I can throw down that anchor at anytime and he will be there. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and the fact that he will never give up on me or let me go.
Second, my new favorite song lately is "Not Like The Movies" by Katy Perry. Usually on normal days I just belt it out and just love the words! But on days like these where I feel like I can unfortunately relate to it, it makes me sad. I sort of love songs like that! haha but really I am just feeling so out of place and sometimes I wish it was like the movies where you get into some fight about something that was silly in the first place then it turns into a bigger deal then things get said that shouldn't have and she ends up crying herself to sleep and he ends up going to bed angry and they are both to stubborn to talk about it until he realizes all she really does for him and that she is an amazing beautiful woman who just wants to know that he thinks she is perfect even in her imperfections and that sometimes she wants him to fight for her because he thinks she is worth it. Occasionally she wants him to hold her close and whisper in her ear that she is gorgeous because she just might need to hear it that day. She loves him so much and defends him everyday to anyone who might say something bad, the way she looks at him is obvious that she is head over heels in love with this kid and maybe some days she wants that same look.. That's always how the movies go and then the guy runs after her in the pounding rain and pours out his heart to her. Some days I feel it is unrealistic to even dream about these things but other days I feel like if you have any kind of dream there is no reason why it can't come true. Why shouldn't your dreams be a reality? Besides my fairy tale dreams, I also have a dream of singing for something, I really don't want to be on American Idol or be the next T-Swift, even if I just did a 5-song demo c.d for an LDS label ha that would still satisfy my dream so I see no reason why I can't do that.
Things are kind of hard right now but I know I will pull through and I am grateful for my room mates and my sister and my Mom. They do so much for me and I have always been horrible at verbalizing and even sometimes showing my love and appreciation but I am trying. Oh and I will also try and get better at blogging.. ha even though I think it is more for me than anyone else, I have heard people say that my blog is depressing lol! but that's alright, it's just where I vent and think about things. Till next time, Holly signing off :)
First, I was able to go to church today and I bore my testimony and I forgot how good it feels. I am not sure what has happened to me.. as I was reflecting about some things today I realized that it's not that I am doing anything bad therefore I feel okay because I'm not sinning ha which is a good start! However, living the gospel is so much more than just not doing bad things, it's all about DOING good things. It is really not enough just to know it is true and to know you love God, it's about living that. Have you ever heard "Live Like You Believe" by Jenny Phillips? Well it is a great one I would suggest! Part of my testimony was sharing one of my favorite scriptures Ether 12:4, it basically tells us that through our faith in Jesus Christ, we can hope for a better world, which faith and hope is an anchor to our souls. I just love that! No matter how crazy the waves get or how strong the winds are or how lost I get and no matter how my heart is breaking; I can throw down that anchor at anytime and he will be there. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and the fact that he will never give up on me or let me go.
Second, my new favorite song lately is "Not Like The Movies" by Katy Perry. Usually on normal days I just belt it out and just love the words! But on days like these where I feel like I can unfortunately relate to it, it makes me sad. I sort of love songs like that! haha but really I am just feeling so out of place and sometimes I wish it was like the movies where you get into some fight about something that was silly in the first place then it turns into a bigger deal then things get said that shouldn't have and she ends up crying herself to sleep and he ends up going to bed angry and they are both to stubborn to talk about it until he realizes all she really does for him and that she is an amazing beautiful woman who just wants to know that he thinks she is perfect even in her imperfections and that sometimes she wants him to fight for her because he thinks she is worth it. Occasionally she wants him to hold her close and whisper in her ear that she is gorgeous because she just might need to hear it that day. She loves him so much and defends him everyday to anyone who might say something bad, the way she looks at him is obvious that she is head over heels in love with this kid and maybe some days she wants that same look.. That's always how the movies go and then the guy runs after her in the pounding rain and pours out his heart to her. Some days I feel it is unrealistic to even dream about these things but other days I feel like if you have any kind of dream there is no reason why it can't come true. Why shouldn't your dreams be a reality? Besides my fairy tale dreams, I also have a dream of singing for something, I really don't want to be on American Idol or be the next T-Swift, even if I just did a 5-song demo c.d for an LDS label ha that would still satisfy my dream so I see no reason why I can't do that.
Things are kind of hard right now but I know I will pull through and I am grateful for my room mates and my sister and my Mom. They do so much for me and I have always been horrible at verbalizing and even sometimes showing my love and appreciation but I am trying. Oh and I will also try and get better at blogging.. ha even though I think it is more for me than anyone else, I have heard people say that my blog is depressing lol! but that's alright, it's just where I vent and think about things. Till next time, Holly signing off :)
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