The Battle

It's 2am and you find yourself looking back through memories you have. Some you have cherished and others you wish you could have forgotten. You think about the incredible trials you have had to face and you think about how on Earth you got through them or how you are still getting through it. What really makes trials so difficult is the pain that most often accompanies them. We are all familiar with that, meaning pain. Whether it's the kind that sits deep in your stomach that you just can't ignore or the surfacing tears that you just can't hold back. It has also occurred in the form of keeping you up all night wondering what went wrong and why you chose that path. It may also be the worst case which is the pain of a lonely and broken heart.

And why is that? Because we as humans devote ourselves to love, to finding it, to feeling it, to giving it, and most of all to keeping it. It's hard when that is taken away or for granted or even when it seems like it doesn't come at all. Sometimes we try and convince ourselves that it would be better for love to just last, to never experience a broken heart or maybe even convince ourselves that we don't need love. That's the wrong way to think, love isn't the enemy and surprisingly neither is pain. After all, the presence of pain proves to us that happiness does exist therefore it gives us hope that in the state of enduring such hard pain, we will someday be full again with happiness. One of the greatest feelings I know of is of a mended and overflowing heart after it has been completely shattered, in that case it was worth it to go through the pain and the confusion and loneliness because it helped me to enjoy the happiness that followed.

The same goes for weakness, if it weren't for weakness we couldn't build strength. Too often individuals see their mistakes and failures as a sign of not improving or a testament of how weak they are. It's okay to fall down sometimes and to lose sight of the next step, that's where the building part comes in when you decide you want to take that step and raise yourself a little bit higher than where you were before. Occasionally some want to hide their weaknesses or addictions from themselves as if trying to pretend they aren't there but the truth is, they are part of who we are and that is not a negative thing. As mentioned before it gives you the opportunity to grow and learn from it, not run away from it. I have found that when I accept my trials and weaknesses as my own and understand why they are there, it helps me to be strengthened as to who I want to be and what I will choose to do with those weaknesses. Honestly though, you can't be on top of things every day. There are going to be bad days where you do mess up and you make the wrong choice and you're going to feel broken and confused, and that's hard to deal with sometimes. Don't lose hope, there is always another day coming where you can try again.

I don't think it is about the number of battles we win or how strong we may be at present time; your true character shows through while you are in the very middle of a long and hard trial and when you have hit rock bottom. What you do during that time is what matters. Everyone has to fight different battles in different ways. It comforts me to know that as long as I let him, God is helping fight mine.

The Sweet Silver Lining

At times it seems as though the majority of life is a big dark and rainy cloud and the good and perfect and happy times only occupy a small silver lining alongside it. Maybe at times that isn't true but for when it is, I think it makes those perfect moments even more meaningful. It is true that today marks two months ago that Jared left me and looking back I thought I had lost everything and that I would never be the same, well that was my reality then but now it is hard to even remember the pain and heart break I felt. I realize that I am very lucky and that it doesn't always happen like this for most and that things happened very fast for me but at the same time I think it is also due to my willingness to fall all over again even though I still had some unhealed wounds.

The truth is that love is a giant risk and it's not always certain or fair and it's hard. But that's what makes it so irresistible and worth it for those who keep fighting. It's more than just wanting to spend time with them or finding them attractive or liking the feel of their kiss. When you find that love that really makes it, the one that you seal your forever with and grow old with; that love just consumes you. It's the love where you don't have to pretend that you are stubbornly crazy about them, you don't have to be someone else around them, you don't have to settle for an under grade  happiness. You really truly just instantly smile when you think about them, you aren't afraid to speak your mind to them and tell them when your upset because you know they will stay and talk it through with you. Most importantly it is the most wonderful kind of love where you don't ever worry if they love you too or as much as you do for them because you can just feel it everyday and they tell you. It's pure happiness even when it isn't going as planned and you hit some road bumps and you are angry or disappointed; even through those times you can still see that silver lining keeping you together, making you smile again and again. Love can be as great and beautiful as the sky but it will never be a full happiness and lasting love unless you have and keep that sweet silver lining.

My Emotional Dump.. read with caution

How am I supposed to describe how I am feeling and the complete heavy emptiness that weighs my heart down? I don't even know how to tackle tomorrow let alone my near future. I can't even fathom how I am ever going to feel like I don't need him in my life. He was my mate and my best friend, I almost feel like he just died and a part of me went with him. I am scared that I am going to slip into some kind of depression because all I can bring myself to do is lay in my bed and cry as stupid and pathetic as that sounds but it's how I feel and I know no-one can ever truly understand except my Heavenly Father but I wish someone could. I just wish it didn't end like this, how could he just walk away? This has happened in the past before when we were 16 but those were different circumstances and it seemed more mutual. He says that he can't explain why he really needed to do it but that he feels it is right. What does that even mean?? Yes we have our problems and we may have had a few things to figure out with our future but that's the point of relationships! They aren't supposed to be easy and problem-free. We're supposed to work through them TOGETHER and he isn't supposed to give up on us, it's not fair to me. I have NEVER given up on him or us and it's always worked out in the end.

 I just don't know how I can ever replace him as odd as that sounds to most because everyone says that he wasn't the best boyfriend and that we fought and other things but the truth is he was everything to me, he was always there to hear my problems and stories about my day and issues with my room-mates. He was always there when I was sad to comfort me. He made an effort to spend time with me even when I knew he had other things to do or maybe didn't want to do something, but he did anyway. He put up with my goofiness and my drama. He made me laugh, we had so many jokes and stories and memories. It's just all gone now and the worse part is that I feel like he is okay with it all, if it is going to be better and if this was the right choice, how come I don't feel an ounce of assurance? I don't feel good about this at all. I feel sick and misplaced and let down. I feel broken and unwanted. And don't tell me it's because I don't have faith, I have more faith than you can imagine and I have been on my knees till they hurt for the past week but I still feel nothing. Right now I am trying my best to forgive him and me I guess and then maybe I wont be so mad at him, I won't be in this great and terrible battle with myself of loving him and hating him. Maybe he really didn't realize how much I really loved. I don't think he knows how much this is really is affecting me and what he has chose to do. Maybe no-one does. I just can't wait until the hard part is over, maybe I will be able to finally live without Jared Handley in my life even though it still rocks me to the core to even type that sentence or re-tell myself that this is real.

I'm such a fool to think that I could actually have this perfect story kind of love and that it would last this time and that I would never have to taste the sting of love again. Well again I was wrong, I am so sick of this happening. Maybe I have this so off base picture of what love is supposed to be and what it feels like well maybe I will never fully grasp it again because after this, I don't know how I am supposed to love again. He cut me deep this time, deeper than ever before. All of my other heartbreaks seem almost childlike compared to this. I feel like beating the crap out of him so maybe he can physically feel a fraction of what I feel inside. I can always imagine it, hurting him for everything he has put me through but then when I see him or look at a picture, I know I could never hurt him, it's my blessing and curse at the same time. I just can't believe it's really over. I can't believe all those bridges we built are burned down.

 I can't stand the fact that he isn't in my life anymore and that everything we have accomplished through the years and all the love we created is just destroyed. I remember a few times we would like saying that we have the kind of love that is so strong that you give that person the complete power to destroy you but with that power they make you unbelievably happy. Well I guess he ended up using that power to destroy me after all. It hurts, it really does. I can't see when I am going to not feel this void and emptiness because I have always had it when I didn't have his love, even at times when I had "moved on" and was dating someone else, it was still there. Is it any wonder that we have always found our way back to each other again? Does that mean that I am thinking this will blow over and we'll get back together eventually? Definitely not, as much as it hurts, I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again and that''s what makes this trial so indefinitely difficult. Well I think for now that is all I can get out, I know it's a lot but I find that writing these feelings down to myself rather than just thinking about them which ultimately makes me cry or talking to others which also results in crying or the giving of advice which I really don't need at the moment. So if anyone read this, I am sorry and just let it be.

I have returned!

Hello there :)
I've decided that since it is now summer and I don't work more than 30 hours a week ever that I have no excuse to get back up with my blog! So in case you were wondering life has been for the most part, good! Some things I'd like to highlight is that I am now an Associate Degree owner from DSC! woot! it feels pretty nice knowing I've gotten this far and I'm not even twenty yet! haha and I have also for a few months now started to read my scriptures in the morning rather than night which I didn't think I would EVER do ha but I think not only has it really helped me to read every day without fail but it also starts my day off so much better which is a major plus for me since I hate mornings! I have also been trying my best to attend the temple every week and so far I've been doing pretty good, I just wish so badly that I could go with Jared every week but it is just virtually impossible with our schedules. Yes I know we could go at 6 am but it's just hard for Jared to get up because of his insomnia :( I always feel so bad for him that he can't ever just sleep like a normal person.

In other news haha I have two of my closest friends getting married this year, it's so crazy! I truly am excited for them though :) maybe a little stressed but still so happy! and my other best friend Emma having a baby late this year too! Just so much excitement and blessings and things to look forward to! And you know occassionally people ask me what's the hold up with Jared and I or why am I waiting around for him or whatever it may be and well to be honest it's kind of the same when people ask others why they're getting married after only dating anywhere between ten to five months! I say that everyone's love is different, some can grow fast and others take more time. Some want to marry to date others want to date to get married. Whatever the case is that God knows what he is doing and if something or someone makes you happy then go for it :) Our time will come, it's just not now, but it will and I am looking forward to it :)

I also am still on the path of getting a new car and I mean new as in new to ownership for me but definitely not new as in it was just made this year haha! I am getting close though! I have about $2,200 saved up right now which is so amazing to me, I feel very proud of myself so the scouring of KSL continues! lol oh and I have also recieved the final grades of two of my 4 classes and so far an A and A- which the latter was in my hardest class :) YAY! I really am just so glad it is summer again, I just love it! I hope it will exceed my expectations! I'm going to try to work and save but at the same time not work all my days away! My room mates and I have created a little bucket list of things we want to do so that should be fun!! I want to make one with Jared too but then again we don't ever do well with plans haha well I am tired and out of boring updates on my average life ha so God be with you till we meet again ;)

Forever & Always

I really was planning on my next post being an actual update on my life and something happy! but I guess you can't plan life.. Well I was just listening to Taylor Swift today and I am still amazed that she knows just what words to write and how to put them together. This is so hard for me and I don't know what to do anymore, have you ever given your whole heart to someone and loved them unconditionally only to find out someday that they don't have that shared feeling? It may sound high school ish I know but it's even harder and more frustrating when you know they can love you like that because they have before but then they just decided to stop trying. Well before I say too much on here, here is the song I would like to share, it's called Forever and Always.

Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye. We caught onto something. I hold onto that night you looked me in the eye and told me, you. loved. me. Were you just kidding?? Cause' it seems to me, this thing is breaking down and we almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore.. Baby what happened? Please tell me, cause one second it was perfect! Now you're halfway out the door.. And I stare at the phone, you STILL haven't called and then I feel so low, I can't feel nothing at all and then I flashback to when you said forever and always. Oh and it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong, it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always.
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide? Like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes, thought I KNEW you for a minute but now I'm not so sure.. So here's to everything coming down. to. nothing. Here's to silence. That cuts me to the core, where is this going?? Thought I knew for a moment but I don't, anymore. Oh and it rains in my bedroom when everything is wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone! I was there when you said forever and always. You didn't mean it. Oh back up baby back up, did you forget everything? Back up baby back up did you forget about me? Back up, baby back up please! Cause it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong! It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always! Oh and I stare at the phone, you still haven't called.. and I feel so alone, I can't feel anything at all. Then I flashback to when we said forever and always. You didn't mean it. I don't think so.. you said forever and always.

I'm just a silly girl

Sometimes I smile at you just so I can see you smile back.
Sometimes I do something stupid just to see if you will roll your eyes or do it with me.
Sometimes I run way faster than my body can go because I don't know how else to get my emotions out.
Sometimes I put myself down because I need you to lift me up.
Sometimes I lie about how I feel because I'm scared of what you would think.
Sometimes I watch chick flicks because I believe someday they will happen to me.
Sometimes I yell at my parents because they don't know you like I do.
Sometimes I cry after you leave because I don't know how to tell you you've hurt me.
Sometimes I call you a jerk because I'm not afraid of you.
Sometimes I write blogs about you because I miss you.
Sometimes I do my make-up different to see if you will notice.
Sometimes I feel like I love you too much but I can't help it.
Sometimes I stare at my phone waiting for you to text me.
Sometimes I ask you to explain something to me just so I can hear your voice.
Sometimes I want to run away but that would mean leaving you behind.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the girl of your dreams because you are better than the man of mine.
Sometimes I go crazy worrying about everything and asking you dumb questions and wondering what's on your mind and feeling inadequate and just trying to be perfect all the time. I don't have a reason really, I don't always have an explanation for all the things I do that you don't understand at times. I guess maybe I'm just a silly girl.

Just Because

She knows right when I'm about cry.
                           I know she can do it when she doesn't want to try.
She is sometimes the only one who laughs when I'm trying to be funny.
                       As long as I am here, she will never feel like a nobody.
She will stay up all night if I have to talk.
                           If she can no longer run, I will help her to walk.
She gives me everything even if that leaves her with none.
                          I wonder if she knows how much she is loved.
She holds my hand tight when I start to go under.
                       I don't trust any guy to ever be good enough for her.
She means everything to me and I thank God daily.
                      I recieved the best of sisters and that includes Hailey.
                                     
            Not much has changed since we were 7 and 10,
            Except now instead of barbies, we have internet.
                               We are now 19 and 22
                   With so little to gain but so much to lose.
                 She is still my best friend now and forever,
                    More like an angel, my sister, Heather.