Time time.. and more time

Christmas is coming and I am so excited! but it is so crazy how fast December went by! in fact this whole semester went by fast!! It's a good thing though because I am just plowing forward trying to get school done so I can finally get a job that I love. We had early present exchange with my roommates, it was the best :) They know me so well and I loved seeing their faces as they opened mine. Time is such a weird thing, it just seems like it is always flying by yet when you are anticipating something or greatly want something to happen, why does it go by so slow?? it is frustrating because I am so impatient! It is kind of ironic that I am listening to firework because the other thing on my mind is I want people to know that I am going to be okay and to have faith in my choices.

I know that nobody has ever really understood why I love Jared and why we kept getting back together and I know it all seems very cliche and maybe annoying but I guess I don't know how to explain it either. I just love him and that's all that matters. One of the hardest things is getting used to how they express their love. There are so many times that I doubt he loves me as much as I love him, I know I know it sounds so high school but I am serious and I know I need to get better at it, it's just difficult. Jared and I know that we want to be together and we have a third of the people we know saying to not waste time and risk messing up and go for it and not worry about finances because God will take care of you then we have the other third telling us to wait because we have plenty of time and we need to get established first then lastly we have the other third saying to ignore everyone else and do what WE want. Well that's the only problem, Jared and I seem to want different things or I guess  time frames. and this is where that time annoyance comes in. a year and a half or even two years seems like a hecka long time to wait before marrying him but maybe that is what's best, it's just hard. It's hard having uncertainty, it's hard knowing that something is so right and that you are so ready but having to wait. It's hard not being able to take that next crucial step in our relationship, I feel like we are just stuck because we don't have anything to build on or to move forward to. Well that's all the depressing factors I suppose. I know this gives us more time to "get to know each other" ha that just makes me laugh, as if we need that. And I know it gives me more time to work on myself or whatever and enjoying more time with my room mates and college and less stress I guess and more family time even though I live three hundred miles away..

All of these things have really made me realize though, how long I have been drifting farther and farther from my Heavenly Father and that I need to get back. Maybe it's all a sign or something, I have realized I need him more than ever right now. The greatest thing about Christ is that no matter how far you get away from him or how much you deny that you need him, he always finds you and reminds you that you do. I also need to work on my family relationships, I envy the relationship Heather has with my Mom and Dad, maybe it's because she is the oldest and more wise? haha but I think it is because she puts more time into it, I guess it's just always been harder for me to do that. So maybe it isn't so bad that Jared and I are pushing the next step back a little but it is still hard to accept. There are things that need to be worked on in my life, I know that but I just can't wait till my best friend can be a part of all that. I want to make my major decisions with him, I want us to be poor at the start and grow stronger together because of it, and find fun ways to save money. I want to wake up to his warm smile and know that when I come home, he is always going to be there. It's not really about the ring or the pretty dress or the nice wedding anymore, it's just about belonging to something, starting off my own life, knowing that I can do something viewed as hard or a big deal because it is and I can. It's a little bit of stubbornness as well in not wanting to do what other people say is best or advise is smart or not proving people right. Hmm I guess I should probably stop ranting to my computer now.. My wish for this Christmas is to realize what I need to do and remember what Christ has done for me and how much the people in my life love me.

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!

Getting Better

Well I was just reading through the past month of my sister's blog so I felt inspired haha. Just one of the ways I wish I could be more like her! So there are just a few things on my mind I would like to share.

First, I was able to go to church today and I bore my testimony and I forgot how good it feels. I am not sure what has happened to me.. as I was reflecting about some things today I realized that it's not that I am doing anything bad therefore I feel okay because I'm not sinning ha which is a good start! However, living the gospel is so much more than just not doing bad things, it's all about DOING good things. It is really not enough just to know it is true and to know you love God, it's about living that. Have you ever heard "Live Like You Believe" by Jenny Phillips? Well it is a great one I would suggest! Part of my testimony was sharing one of my favorite scriptures Ether 12:4, it basically tells us that through our faith in Jesus Christ, we can hope for a better world, which faith and hope is an anchor to our souls. I just love that! No matter how crazy the waves get or how strong the winds are or how lost I get and no matter how my heart is breaking; I can throw down that anchor at anytime and he will be there. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and the fact that he will never give up on me or let me go.

Second, my new favorite song lately is "Not Like The Movies" by Katy Perry. Usually on normal days I just belt it out and just love the words! But on days like these where I feel like I can unfortunately relate to it, it makes me sad. I sort of love songs like that! haha but really I am just feeling so out of place and sometimes I wish it was like the movies where you get into some fight about something that was silly in the first place then it turns into a bigger deal then things get said that shouldn't have and she ends up crying herself to sleep and he ends up going to bed angry and they are both to stubborn to talk about it until he realizes all she really does for him and that she is an amazing beautiful woman who just wants to know that he thinks she is perfect even in her imperfections and that sometimes she wants him to fight for her because he thinks she is worth it. Occasionally she wants him to hold her close and whisper in her ear that she is gorgeous because she just might need to hear it that day. She loves him so much and defends him everyday to anyone who might say something bad, the way she looks at him is obvious that she is head over heels in love with this kid and maybe some days she wants that same look.. That's always how the movies go and then the guy runs after her in the pounding rain and pours out his heart to her. Some days I feel it is unrealistic to even dream about these things but other days I feel like if you have any kind of dream there is no reason why it can't come true. Why shouldn't your dreams be a reality? Besides my fairy tale dreams, I also have a dream of singing for something, I really don't want to be on American Idol or be the next T-Swift, even if I just did a 5-song demo c.d for an LDS label ha that would still satisfy my dream so I see no reason why I can't do that.

Things are kind of hard right now but I know I will pull through and I am grateful for my room mates and my sister and my Mom. They do so much for me and I have always been horrible at verbalizing and even sometimes showing my love and appreciation but I am trying. Oh and I will also try and get better at blogging.. ha even though I think it is more for me than anyone else, I have heard people say that my blog is depressing lol! but that's alright, it's just where I vent and think about things. Till next time, Holly signing off :)

Remember When? Some things never change..

I guess for a few days I have been thinking about the past a bit. Just things I have done and things I didn't and some things that changed and some things that never will. When I was little Heather was my best friend, we had normal fights like any other siblings but I could never bring myself to hate her like sadly, some people let happen. From when I was three and she was six she has been there for me and now I'm almost 19 and she is 21 and she is still taking care of me. It is kinda crazy to see how much we have grown up and the things we've been through and the amazing woman she has become but some things like sisters being best friends FOREVER will never change. It is also crazy to think that two years ago my family had no interest in the church and my little siblings were getting more and more lost. Who knew after 5 years of hoping and praying, I was sealed to them last year! I know now that people and things DO change if it is God's will he will find a way. 6 years ago I met the sweetest and cutest girl ever who knew I needed a friend and who knew that although we were pretty opposite as far as personalities go, we clicked and she became my best friend and I truly believe one for life. Things have changed, we have moved away and she is now happily married and we don't get to talk as much but I can still feel her love and support for me. No matter what happens that friendship we have built will never go away. My little sister is starting Jr. High this year, I can't believe how long ago that seems for me! I was so little and let's admit, not on the attractive side lol and also terrified! Jr. High was some hard times and I'll admit I am scared for her! And that is another thing that will never change, Jr. High sucks. end of story haha. I also remember when I was 16 and I met this crazy blonde haired boy and took him on a date. Soon after that, we became some sort of thing I guess and then I thought for sure I was in real love with him. Although we haven't always had the best of times and we broke apart a few times, he was always one of my dearest friends and I would have done anything for him in a heartbeat. Who could have guessed that almost two and a half years later, I still get butterflies when he holds my hand and I still dream of being with him forever and we are still the best of friends and he still knows exactly what I'm thinking sometimes and he knows just how to make things better and when I'm about to cry and if I'm lying ( I could do without that one..) and I still can't picture my life without him. Of all the things I do remember and all the things that have changed, could change or will change and all that life has taught me and brought me to up to this point is that a life without love isn't complete. No matter what you find and invest your love in, there must be something. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." I remember the day I fell for him and I am still in love with Jared Handley and that will never change.

I Don't Know Who I am Without You

It's one thing when others, boys especially, hurt me and just don't really seem to care but then when they do the same to my friends, it makes me even more mad! I hate when I see others treating my best friends or my family like crap. Sometimes I wish I could just pull them all behind me and just fight all their battles and beat every person up who ever thought it was okay to not treat them like they amazing loving person they are! I admit that sometimes when things happen to me, I really feel like I deserved it for whatever reason, kind of like karma but when I see my family and my best friends do absolutely nothing wrong and still get hurt, it just drives me crazy and it breaks my heart. I want to be that person for them, I want to be the one they know will fight for them and take the fall, I want to be the one they know I won't take any of that, I won't let others hurt them, I won't allow bullies to be in their life! But it's sad because I feel like I really try to be and sometimes I feel like I am but they don't know that.. and maybe it's my fault but I guess maybe sometimes they don't realize how much I do and how much I would literally take a bullet for them. I definitely don't want to make this sound like it's a burden on me because it's definitely not. But I guess when it gets to the point that I feel like they don't need it or me for that matter.. I guess that's when I question what am I doing?

A couple months ago I went home for a spring break and all at once, all three of my best friends were having a hard time and so each told me everything that was going on and cried and looked to me for some kind of answer, I couldn't give them one because there is no definite answer for life's problems but I hope I said something that helped them.. anyway one of the nights Jared took me for a drive and I was just so upset that all these things were happening to my best friends and that I couldn't help them. I couldn't be there for them because I lived 300 miles away.  I was helpless and hurting so bad for them, I wished so bad that night that I could just take it all away from them. I cried my eyes out that night to Jared and I don't think he quite understood why but he said afterwards that my friends will be okay because they have me.. he said that he hasn't ever seen someone care so much for a friend before let alone three. But he also said to be careful because the people who care so much tend to get hurt. I just want them to know that I am here. I want them to need me.. heh. Jared is that person to me, he was always saving me and fighting my battles and answering the phone at two in the morning and waiting ready to take that bullet for me. I miss him so much, and I am grateful for him and for all my other friends and my family. You have all made me who I am today.

See You Soon

Yesterday I had to see Jared for the last time for the next two years and tonight at 8 pm I have to say goodbye and not hear his voice again for two years. I love him so much though! He left me with a teddy-wolf who is wearing a cute little missionary outfit and a Book of Mormon :) He also gave me a pretty heart necklace, it's sparkly and I love it! He left me his Zune to watch over and nurture lol and some pictures, and a guitar pick, and some notes and letters from while we were dating, and he also recorded a little video for me to watch when I get lonely. Most importantly he has left me with his love and I really take that seriously :) He is my will to carry on and he is everything to me! I have never felt this way before and although it is so hard to let him go, it's not a goodbye. He will be back home to me soon :) I will never forget about him and us. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and sometimes I still think how did I get him? and why me? He could have any other girl he wanted but he chose me! And I just can't help but feel that this is so right, he and I just make sense and I just feel like everything that we have been through and that even when all the odds were against us and it seemed stupid that we came back together and we don't have a lot of support or people we can share it with but I know it's true. Every fiber of my being tells me it all has to mean something.. I don't have the authority to say that we are meant to be and that we will end up together but I do hope for it so so much and I have so much faith in him.. but more importantly I trust in my God too and I know he will take care of us and by whatever means, make us happy :)  So it isn't goodbye to my sweetheart, Jared. It's see you soon babe :) I love you always and forever.

Time For Change

oh dear, I know it has been forever since I blogged and I am ashamed haha but I am considering making mine a little more interesting with real things I guess? ha so I can't believe how many things have happened in my life in the last 2 and half months. Well Jared and I officially got back together and for once, I feel so good about it. I haven't had so much love in such a short amount of time before. He is leaving for his mission in one week and I am scared.. but also so proud of him. I know what the effect of conversion and hearts changing can bring about and knowing the story of my family, there is no way I would not let him go. Even if there is just one single person waiting for him to come change their lives.. that one person needs him more than I do. I will miss him more than I can imagine but I know everything will be okay and that I will be comforted :)

Some other changes that are occuring includes school coming to an end, I can't believe I have already completed a whole year of college! it went by fast, and I'm taking this summer off to just work a ton and hopefully have some fun! Also Courtney is leaving.. we have known eachother since freshman year and maybe before that but we never really got close close but if I had known how amazing she was and how great of a friend she is, I would have tightened our friendship long ago! I am going to miss her so much this summer. My best friend Emma is also getting married in June and idk if I am ready for that change either! I still remember us as little seventh graders! and now she is starting a family! I am so excited for her and proud and I know she found a wonderful guy who is going to take care of her and love her for all eternity so that puts me at ease :) I have realized that I don't ever really wish to do things over or for second chances, I think I more just wish for more time. More time with my friends, more time with Jared, more time to sleep, more time to get to know people, more time to let things go, more time to watch One Tree Hill! lol but really I know that it's never too late to do things or influence people but sometimes we make mistakes ya know? well that's all I have for now so to whoever reads my blog.. farewell! :)

Home

I think everybody reaches that point when they're at college and everything is going good but also everything is going wrong. It's not that my room-mates are being mean or that my classes are hard and it's definitely not that the weather is bad. I just wish I could go home. I need to get away from here for awhile. I wish I could go back to the summers at home where Emma and Mirranda and I would always go to that cute little candy store and get the most delicious chocolates. I wish I could be walking through the gateway with them right now without a care in the world. I wish I could just stay home on a Saturday night and mess around and have fun with my siblings. I wish I could walk into my moms room while she's watching CSI and just sit on her bed and talk to her. I wish I could just take a drive all the way up Middle Canyon to clear my head or just drive all over Tooele which would only take less than an hour and not have to worry about getting lost or getting trapped headed on a freeway. I wish I go to a park at eleven o clock and just lay under the stars. I wish I could be having a sleepover with Corinne right now. Yes, high school had drama and parents and rules but life was simpler than it is now. Now I'm alone with a thousand people who don't know me at all. I'm living in an apartment that will never be home and I'm making these wishes that cant come true. I do know one thing for sure, if I didn't have Heather, I would most definitely be having a mid-life crisis. Everybody is right though, I didn't realize all I had until it was gone. They also say that home is where your heart is, well I am struggling with who I am and what I want and to be honest, I really don't know where my heart is so it seems appropriate if I want to figure these things out, I need to go home. I miss home.

The Personal Contract

Regardless of any other agreements I have made with anybody else thus far in my life, the greatest agreement I hold myself to is that to myself. That once I told myself that I am Holly Marie Moat and I can do anything. I don't have to live for anybody. The only other person that is an equal contract holder and liable for what I do and don't do is God. Nothing is ever set in stone and nothing is ever meant to be. Everything that happens does because of a chain of events that were caused by individuals making, following, or breaking an agreement. When you have faith in someone, you are trusting that they have written their personal contract and that they have that agreement beween them and God to be the best they can be at all times. I am my best and I do my best because I can and I choose to, it doesn't matter what anyone else wants from me. If you worry about me or show a lack of confidence in my chioces then you are doubting my ability to follow my contract. Nevertheless it doesn't matter. I don't need anyone to have faith in me or trust me or even love me. I don't even need a man to be happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. I know that God loves me, he trusts me, he knows me and I trust him and love him. That agreement is one I will never bargain because it is the only one that matters. Even when all my other agreements are being shattered and my whole contract seems to be falling apart right in front of me and my very knowledge of who I am is seemingly being broken, that one agreement always remains standing and strong waiting for me to fall upon it. He remains there waiting for me to come to him and in-turn fufill that contract we made so very long ago. So what is my contract? Well, I believe in Christ and more importantly he believes in me and that is what makes every moment count.

The Song Stuck In My Head

Let's just admit it that I have seen this thing they call love never work out. I've been deserted and I've been hurt too many times before. But now you're here standing in front of me and I just can't stop from thinking..
      Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
You come close to me, I start trembling because I still can't beleive that it's true. You make my heart race when I look at you're face telling me that you'll never leave and then I think..
      Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
Yes here it is, right before me. I can see it.. Could this be my happy ending? Now I'm letting go, falling for everything and finally I want to tell you what's been on my mind..
      Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise. Your laugh is still stuck in my head, goin la la la love. Your hands are my safest anchor and your kiss takes me far away and the voice that says we're going to make it, it goes la la la la love. Now I sing la la la la love. La la la la love.

When Faith Is All I Have

More things deny the presence of God than the things that can't help but show there is. I have sadly come to find out this statement is true in the world today, but why? Some say it is because he is merciless and yet we all have a hope inside us that he is when we reach judgement day. Some say it is because he doesn't answer our prayers and yet we fail to be quiet enough to hear him. Others make the claim that we came from the natural occurrences of nature and space and yet the phenomenal wonders of the human brain and even the miracle of birth gives doubt to that. Many will say it is because they haven't seen any signs of his hand in their life but then again they wake up every morning still breathing, they just barely missed that car at the intersection, they passed that final exam they didn't study for, their spouse made it through the surgery without any complications. Yet, for all the other times that a loved one didn't wake up that morning, that car hit you, you failed the final exam, and the surgery didn't go as planned.. well that is what we call life and it has to happen to everybody. Don't ever think that because something you are going through is really hurting you and making your life miserable that it must mean there is no God or that he must not love you as much as everyone else. When you say that, you are telling everyone around you that whatever they are going through or will go through doesn't matter because you have it worse and you hurt worse. The thing to realize here is that it is life. We have to go through hell and walk on nails and fall to the ground and not just once, again and again. But after you have tasted the bitter, than comes the sweet. If the bitter and hard things become more important or bring you down, the good things aren't worth it anymore. We have to fight for the good things in the world. I have found that the more good you try to find, the more evil that comes. Well, just keep fighting. I don't have proof. I don't have evidence. I can't even make a promise. But this is when it counts. This is when I have to hold on, I have to fight. This is when faith is all I have.

Falling

Along with thousands of other young women in this world, I have had my heart broken one too many times. What crosses the line between learning your lesson and not falling into the same cycles over and over again versus picking yourself up, drying the tears and simply opening up and trusting? What is it that makes individuals trust that new person or even in some instances the same person again? Is it just the hope that you will feel alive and whole again? Is it the assumption that it will be different this time and that the same phrase will be repeated that "he is different"? Is it the belief that you have finally found someone of real worth and much better than the one before? I don't think anybody really knows these answers, I think that's maybe just what love's about. Not knowing what's going to happen or how long it will last. They call it "falling" in love because when you fall, it's different every time and you're not sure if you will hit the ground hard and fast or if that someone will catch you. Falling is an action that requires you to just let go. Be warned that the harder you do fall, the harder it will be to say goodbye when it ends and the worse the heart break but try not to let that reality stop you. Love is sweet and good. It brings out the best in you and sometimes the worst. It brings new meaning to your life and makes everything seem more worth it and almost literally makes everything spring into life. So the only thing I can think of to do is to just keep letting love in, surrender your heart, keep falling without thinking you're just going to hit that ground again. A life without love would be empty so even if you do just end up getting hurt, I believe it is better than not having had it at all.