Silence

This is just something I wrote for anyone who has lost someone they love whether through death or just a temporary physical separation. It is hard either way. I really am not meaning to sound depressing in this post or my last one! It's just that sometimes my best writing comes from emotionally driven topics, but all this is giving me more inspiration so that my next post will be more positive because I really am so happy! Anyway it is pretty self explanatory.. hopefully it isn't stupid. (again this isn't reflective on my life right now..)

I walk around this house alone, it seems a whole lot bigger now,
were those walls always grey?
I wish something would speak to me, I was always good at listening
but even now that seems too easy.
So I guess I will have to memorize the sounds of the walls
and the memories they still hold.

'Cause it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet when you're gone
it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet without you.

I realize it now how much happiness can fill a home
these empty rooms used to be ours.
Now the only comfort I receive are the simple notes you wrote to me
I thought I would be stronger than this.
So I guess I will have to learn to face the silence
and the bitter truth it holds

that it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet when you're gone
it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet without you.

Break the silence, stop the tears, I need your laughter, I need you here.
Make a sound, say my name, end this madness, heal my pain.
Break the silence, stop the tears, I need your laughter, I need you here.
Make a sound, say my name, end this madness, heal my pain.
Can't you see that it's killing me? It's just too much to bear.

It's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet when you're gone
it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet without you.
It's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's just too much without you.

Something to Believe In

Sometimes I get frustrated when doubt and confusion creep into my life. I don't like when I question my own happiness as if it is fractured somehow or missing something but it isn't. I really do have a great life. I have a good job, I have great friends, I have a body that I have worked hard for, and most of all I have an amazing husband who is always there for me. I know he deserves better sometimes. Someone who doesn't question his love for me all the time even if it is in joking. I know he loves me and I know that he is in love with more than I can understand. Yet I still worry all the time. Why??? I wish I knew. I worry about our future like raising a family or if we are even able to have kids. I worry about our careers and if we will reach our dreams. It's not like I don't have any faith at all or that I think for a second that Dustin is not the most perfect man for me and that we truly will be together forever, I just hate when those thoughts do come. 

I guess in the world we live in now, it is hard to believe that good still overcomes evil. It's hard to believe that bad things will stop happening to good people and that your happiness won't be taken away the minute you hold it. Maybe I am just focusing on the negative or being blinded by the bad but I honestly don't know. It's terrible that all you see on the news or hear around town is bad things! Marathons being bombed, children getting kidnapped, people getting divorced two or three times all across the world. It is so sad. Where is the hope? Barbara Walters once wrote "it would be nice to feel that we are a better world, a world of more compassion, and a world of more humanity, and to believe in the basic goodness of man." I want to be someone who is the good, someone that others can look forward to for hope especially Dustin. I want to be able to believe that there is still good in the world and that I can not only find it but create it.

600

An average person makes over 600 decisions a day. Most of those will be small insignificant ones or even ones that you didn't realize you made or even thought was a choice. However a few of those decisions are not so easy ones and on some days even life changing ones. Right now someone somewhere is wondering  if they should fall in love or run away. Another is choosing whether to leave or stay. Maybe someone in your life can't decide which road will lead them to happiness. As humans, we tend to fear change. It is unsettling, it's scary. it's foreign. We live our lives fighting for normality and consistency and when it is lost or taken from us, we panic. Panic can come in various forms; anger, sadness, rebellion, denial, revenge, desperation, and anything else. I see people around me suffocating themselves in this panic and it makes me sad for them even though I myself let it overtake me at times.

Why is it that when we hear people say "that's just life" it doesn't help at all? It's because although most decisions made cannot be taken back and therefore must be accepted as "meant to be," we still had a choice in where life would take its course at some point. I feel like people need to accept more credit for their decisions and I am not just talking about responsibility for "bad" decisions but I do mean credit for the hard choices. One example of this is when someone goes through a really hard break up and find their happiness again without that person. That was a choice they made on their own. No one is responsible for our happiness or the lack of except ourselves. A person has so much freedom to break away from that panic and find peace and acceptance.

Some decisions we make we aren't proud of. I know I have made a lot of choices that I don't like thinking about or wish I could take back. It's hard when you can't take something back, something you did, something you said or didn't say. In some instances it is done and you have to move on but in others you can change what you did. It's never too late to let someone know how you feel or to rekindle a friendship. It's never too late to change or be better. Even after these choices are made, whether we are satisfied with them or not, still matter and we still must be grateful and mindful that we do have free will.

I honestly couldn't tell you how many decisions I have made today but it is probably pretty close to 600 just like every one else. So far I know that all the decisions I have made up to this point in my life have made me who I am in many ways and so I guess in a way I don't regret them. I just truly hope that tomorrow or the next day or twenty years from now when I am faced with those big life decisions that I will face them head on and choose what is best for my family and I. I don't want to look back and regret a terrible moment or wish that I had done or said something different. The only choice I am focusing on right now is to be a mother and while it is a very big and scary and life changing decision, I can't believe how easy it is to know what I want to do. I want to be a mother, I am going to be one and hopefully soon. Out of the 600 or so decisions I have been making everyday for the past 3 weeks that is the only one I care about.