The Battle

It's 2am and you find yourself looking back through memories you have. Some you have cherished and others you wish you could have forgotten. You think about the incredible trials you have had to face and you think about how on Earth you got through them or how you are still getting through it. What really makes trials so difficult is the pain that most often accompanies them. We are all familiar with that, meaning pain. Whether it's the kind that sits deep in your stomach that you just can't ignore or the surfacing tears that you just can't hold back. It has also occurred in the form of keeping you up all night wondering what went wrong and why you chose that path. It may also be the worst case which is the pain of a lonely and broken heart.

And why is that? Because we as humans devote ourselves to love, to finding it, to feeling it, to giving it, and most of all to keeping it. It's hard when that is taken away or for granted or even when it seems like it doesn't come at all. Sometimes we try and convince ourselves that it would be better for love to just last, to never experience a broken heart or maybe even convince ourselves that we don't need love. That's the wrong way to think, love isn't the enemy and surprisingly neither is pain. After all, the presence of pain proves to us that happiness does exist therefore it gives us hope that in the state of enduring such hard pain, we will someday be full again with happiness. One of the greatest feelings I know of is of a mended and overflowing heart after it has been completely shattered, in that case it was worth it to go through the pain and the confusion and loneliness because it helped me to enjoy the happiness that followed.

The same goes for weakness, if it weren't for weakness we couldn't build strength. Too often individuals see their mistakes and failures as a sign of not improving or a testament of how weak they are. It's okay to fall down sometimes and to lose sight of the next step, that's where the building part comes in when you decide you want to take that step and raise yourself a little bit higher than where you were before. Occasionally some want to hide their weaknesses or addictions from themselves as if trying to pretend they aren't there but the truth is, they are part of who we are and that is not a negative thing. As mentioned before it gives you the opportunity to grow and learn from it, not run away from it. I have found that when I accept my trials and weaknesses as my own and understand why they are there, it helps me to be strengthened as to who I want to be and what I will choose to do with those weaknesses. Honestly though, you can't be on top of things every day. There are going to be bad days where you do mess up and you make the wrong choice and you're going to feel broken and confused, and that's hard to deal with sometimes. Don't lose hope, there is always another day coming where you can try again.

I don't think it is about the number of battles we win or how strong we may be at present time; your true character shows through while you are in the very middle of a long and hard trial and when you have hit rock bottom. What you do during that time is what matters. Everyone has to fight different battles in different ways. It comforts me to know that as long as I let him, God is helping fight mine.

The Sweet Silver Lining

At times it seems as though the majority of life is a big dark and rainy cloud and the good and perfect and happy times only occupy a small silver lining alongside it. Maybe at times that isn't true but for when it is, I think it makes those perfect moments even more meaningful. It is true that today marks two months ago that Jared left me and looking back I thought I had lost everything and that I would never be the same, well that was my reality then but now it is hard to even remember the pain and heart break I felt. I realize that I am very lucky and that it doesn't always happen like this for most and that things happened very fast for me but at the same time I think it is also due to my willingness to fall all over again even though I still had some unhealed wounds.

The truth is that love is a giant risk and it's not always certain or fair and it's hard. But that's what makes it so irresistible and worth it for those who keep fighting. It's more than just wanting to spend time with them or finding them attractive or liking the feel of their kiss. When you find that love that really makes it, the one that you seal your forever with and grow old with; that love just consumes you. It's the love where you don't have to pretend that you are stubbornly crazy about them, you don't have to be someone else around them, you don't have to settle for an under grade  happiness. You really truly just instantly smile when you think about them, you aren't afraid to speak your mind to them and tell them when your upset because you know they will stay and talk it through with you. Most importantly it is the most wonderful kind of love where you don't ever worry if they love you too or as much as you do for them because you can just feel it everyday and they tell you. It's pure happiness even when it isn't going as planned and you hit some road bumps and you are angry or disappointed; even through those times you can still see that silver lining keeping you together, making you smile again and again. Love can be as great and beautiful as the sky but it will never be a full happiness and lasting love unless you have and keep that sweet silver lining.