This is just something I wrote for anyone who has lost someone they love whether through death or just a temporary physical separation. It is hard either way. I really am not meaning to sound depressing in this post or my last one! It's just that sometimes my best writing comes from emotionally driven topics, but all this is giving me more inspiration so that my next post will be more positive because I really am so happy! Anyway it is pretty self explanatory.. hopefully it isn't stupid. (again this isn't reflective on my life right now..)
I walk around this house alone, it seems a whole lot bigger now,
were those walls always grey?
I wish something would speak to me, I was always good at listening
but even now that seems too easy.
So I guess I will have to memorize the sounds of the walls
and the memories they still hold.
'Cause it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet when you're gone
it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet without you.
I realize it now how much happiness can fill a home
these empty rooms used to be ours.
Now the only comfort I receive are the simple notes you wrote to me
I thought I would be stronger than this.
So I guess I will have to learn to face the silence
and the bitter truth it holds
that it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet when you're gone
it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet without you.
Break the silence, stop the tears, I need your laughter, I need you here.
Make a sound, say my name, end this madness, heal my pain.
Break the silence, stop the tears, I need your laughter, I need you here.
Make a sound, say my name, end this madness, heal my pain.
Can't you see that it's killing me? It's just too much to bear.
It's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet when you're gone
it's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's too quiet without you.
It's too quiet, it's too quiet, it's just too much without you.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Monday, May 13, 2013
Something to Believe In
Sometimes I get frustrated when doubt and confusion creep into my life. I don't like when I question my own happiness as if it is fractured somehow or missing something but it isn't. I really do have a great life. I have a good job, I have great friends, I have a body that I have worked hard for, and most of all I have an amazing husband who is always there for me. I know he deserves better sometimes. Someone who doesn't question his love for me all the time even if it is in joking. I know he loves me and I know that he is in love with more than I can understand. Yet I still worry all the time. Why??? I wish I knew. I worry about our future like raising a family or if we are even able to have kids. I worry about our careers and if we will reach our dreams. It's not like I don't have any faith at all or that I think for a second that Dustin is not the most perfect man for me and that we truly will be together forever, I just hate when those thoughts do come.
I guess in the world we live in now, it is hard to believe that good still overcomes evil. It's hard to believe that bad things will stop happening to good people and that your happiness won't be taken away the minute you hold it. Maybe I am just focusing on the negative or being blinded by the bad but I honestly don't know. It's terrible that all you see on the news or hear around town is bad things! Marathons being bombed, children getting kidnapped, people getting divorced two or three times all across the world. It is so sad. Where is the hope? Barbara Walters once wrote "it would be nice to feel that we are a better world, a world of more compassion, and a world of more humanity, and to believe in the basic goodness of man." I want to be someone who is the good, someone that others can look forward to for hope especially Dustin. I want to be able to believe that there is still good in the world and that I can not only find it but create it.
Friday, May 10, 2013
600
An average person makes over 600 decisions a day. Most of those will be small insignificant ones or even ones that you didn't realize you made or even thought was a choice. However a few of those decisions are not so easy ones and on some days even life changing ones. Right now someone somewhere is wondering if they should fall in love or run away. Another is choosing whether to leave or stay. Maybe someone in your life can't decide which road will lead them to happiness. As humans, we tend to fear change. It is unsettling, it's scary. it's foreign. We live our lives fighting for normality and consistency and when it is lost or taken from us, we panic. Panic can come in various forms; anger, sadness, rebellion, denial, revenge, desperation, and anything else. I see people around me suffocating themselves in this panic and it makes me sad for them even though I myself let it overtake me at times.
Why is it that when we hear people say "that's just life" it doesn't help at all? It's because although most decisions made cannot be taken back and therefore must be accepted as "meant to be," we still had a choice in where life would take its course at some point. I feel like people need to accept more credit for their decisions and I am not just talking about responsibility for "bad" decisions but I do mean credit for the hard choices. One example of this is when someone goes through a really hard break up and find their happiness again without that person. That was a choice they made on their own. No one is responsible for our happiness or the lack of except ourselves. A person has so much freedom to break away from that panic and find peace and acceptance.
Some decisions we make we aren't proud of. I know I have made a lot of choices that I don't like thinking about or wish I could take back. It's hard when you can't take something back, something you did, something you said or didn't say. In some instances it is done and you have to move on but in others you can change what you did. It's never too late to let someone know how you feel or to rekindle a friendship. It's never too late to change or be better. Even after these choices are made, whether we are satisfied with them or not, still matter and we still must be grateful and mindful that we do have free will.
I honestly couldn't tell you how many decisions I have made today but it is probably pretty close to 600 just like every one else. So far I know that all the decisions I have made up to this point in my life have made me who I am in many ways and so I guess in a way I don't regret them. I just truly hope that tomorrow or the next day or twenty years from now when I am faced with those big life decisions that I will face them head on and choose what is best for my family and I. I don't want to look back and regret a terrible moment or wish that I had done or said something different. The only choice I am focusing on right now is to be a mother and while it is a very big and scary and life changing decision, I can't believe how easy it is to know what I want to do. I want to be a mother, I am going to be one and hopefully soon. Out of the 600 or so decisions I have been making everyday for the past 3 weeks that is the only one I care about.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
The Battle
It's 2am and you find yourself looking back through memories you have. Some you have cherished and others you wish you could have forgotten. You think about the incredible trials you have had to face and you think about how on Earth you got through them or how you are still getting through it. What really makes trials so difficult is the pain that most often accompanies them. We are all familiar with that, meaning pain. Whether it's the kind that sits deep in your stomach that you just can't ignore or the surfacing tears that you just can't hold back. It has also occurred in the form of keeping you up all night wondering what went wrong and why you chose that path. It may also be the worst case which is the pain of a lonely and broken heart.
And why is that? Because we as humans devote ourselves to love, to finding it, to feeling it, to giving it, and most of all to keeping it. It's hard when that is taken away or for granted or even when it seems like it doesn't come at all. Sometimes we try and convince ourselves that it would be better for love to just last, to never experience a broken heart or maybe even convince ourselves that we don't need love. That's the wrong way to think, love isn't the enemy and surprisingly neither is pain. After all, the presence of pain proves to us that happiness does exist therefore it gives us hope that in the state of enduring such hard pain, we will someday be full again with happiness. One of the greatest feelings I know of is of a mended and overflowing heart after it has been completely shattered, in that case it was worth it to go through the pain and the confusion and loneliness because it helped me to enjoy the happiness that followed.
The same goes for weakness, if it weren't for weakness we couldn't build strength. Too often individuals see their mistakes and failures as a sign of not improving or a testament of how weak they are. It's okay to fall down sometimes and to lose sight of the next step, that's where the building part comes in when you decide you want to take that step and raise yourself a little bit higher than where you were before. Occasionally some want to hide their weaknesses or addictions from themselves as if trying to pretend they aren't there but the truth is, they are part of who we are and that is not a negative thing. As mentioned before it gives you the opportunity to grow and learn from it, not run away from it. I have found that when I accept my trials and weaknesses as my own and understand why they are there, it helps me to be strengthened as to who I want to be and what I will choose to do with those weaknesses. Honestly though, you can't be on top of things every day. There are going to be bad days where you do mess up and you make the wrong choice and you're going to feel broken and confused, and that's hard to deal with sometimes. Don't lose hope, there is always another day coming where you can try again.
I don't think it is about the number of battles we win or how strong we may be at present time; your true character shows through while you are in the very middle of a long and hard trial and when you have hit rock bottom. What you do during that time is what matters. Everyone has to fight different battles in different ways. It comforts me to know that as long as I let him, God is helping fight mine.
And why is that? Because we as humans devote ourselves to love, to finding it, to feeling it, to giving it, and most of all to keeping it. It's hard when that is taken away or for granted or even when it seems like it doesn't come at all. Sometimes we try and convince ourselves that it would be better for love to just last, to never experience a broken heart or maybe even convince ourselves that we don't need love. That's the wrong way to think, love isn't the enemy and surprisingly neither is pain. After all, the presence of pain proves to us that happiness does exist therefore it gives us hope that in the state of enduring such hard pain, we will someday be full again with happiness. One of the greatest feelings I know of is of a mended and overflowing heart after it has been completely shattered, in that case it was worth it to go through the pain and the confusion and loneliness because it helped me to enjoy the happiness that followed.
The same goes for weakness, if it weren't for weakness we couldn't build strength. Too often individuals see their mistakes and failures as a sign of not improving or a testament of how weak they are. It's okay to fall down sometimes and to lose sight of the next step, that's where the building part comes in when you decide you want to take that step and raise yourself a little bit higher than where you were before. Occasionally some want to hide their weaknesses or addictions from themselves as if trying to pretend they aren't there but the truth is, they are part of who we are and that is not a negative thing. As mentioned before it gives you the opportunity to grow and learn from it, not run away from it. I have found that when I accept my trials and weaknesses as my own and understand why they are there, it helps me to be strengthened as to who I want to be and what I will choose to do with those weaknesses. Honestly though, you can't be on top of things every day. There are going to be bad days where you do mess up and you make the wrong choice and you're going to feel broken and confused, and that's hard to deal with sometimes. Don't lose hope, there is always another day coming where you can try again.
I don't think it is about the number of battles we win or how strong we may be at present time; your true character shows through while you are in the very middle of a long and hard trial and when you have hit rock bottom. What you do during that time is what matters. Everyone has to fight different battles in different ways. It comforts me to know that as long as I let him, God is helping fight mine.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The Sweet Silver Lining
At times it seems as though the majority of life is a big dark and rainy cloud and the good and perfect and happy times only occupy a small silver lining alongside it. Maybe at times that isn't true but for when it is, I think it makes those perfect moments even more meaningful. It is true that today marks two months ago that Jared left me and looking back I thought I had lost everything and that I would never be the same, well that was my reality then but now it is hard to even remember the pain and heart break I felt. I realize that I am very lucky and that it doesn't always happen like this for most and that things happened very fast for me but at the same time I think it is also due to my willingness to fall all over again even though I still had some unhealed wounds.
The truth is that love is a giant risk and it's not always certain or fair and it's hard. But that's what makes it so irresistible and worth it for those who keep fighting. It's more than just wanting to spend time with them or finding them attractive or liking the feel of their kiss. When you find that love that really makes it, the one that you seal your forever with and grow old with; that love just consumes you. It's the love where you don't have to pretend that you are stubbornly crazy about them, you don't have to be someone else around them, you don't have to settle for an under grade happiness. You really truly just instantly smile when you think about them, you aren't afraid to speak your mind to them and tell them when your upset because you know they will stay and talk it through with you. Most importantly it is the most wonderful kind of love where you don't ever worry if they love you too or as much as you do for them because you can just feel it everyday and they tell you. It's pure happiness even when it isn't going as planned and you hit some road bumps and you are angry or disappointed; even through those times you can still see that silver lining keeping you together, making you smile again and again. Love can be as great and beautiful as the sky but it will never be a full happiness and lasting love unless you have and keep that sweet silver lining.
The truth is that love is a giant risk and it's not always certain or fair and it's hard. But that's what makes it so irresistible and worth it for those who keep fighting. It's more than just wanting to spend time with them or finding them attractive or liking the feel of their kiss. When you find that love that really makes it, the one that you seal your forever with and grow old with; that love just consumes you. It's the love where you don't have to pretend that you are stubbornly crazy about them, you don't have to be someone else around them, you don't have to settle for an under grade happiness. You really truly just instantly smile when you think about them, you aren't afraid to speak your mind to them and tell them when your upset because you know they will stay and talk it through with you. Most importantly it is the most wonderful kind of love where you don't ever worry if they love you too or as much as you do for them because you can just feel it everyday and they tell you. It's pure happiness even when it isn't going as planned and you hit some road bumps and you are angry or disappointed; even through those times you can still see that silver lining keeping you together, making you smile again and again. Love can be as great and beautiful as the sky but it will never be a full happiness and lasting love unless you have and keep that sweet silver lining.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
My Emotional Dump.. read with caution
How am I supposed to describe how I am feeling and the complete heavy emptiness that weighs my heart down? I don't even know how to tackle tomorrow let alone my near future. I can't even fathom how I am ever going to feel like I don't need him in my life. He was my mate and my best friend, I almost feel like he just died and a part of me went with him. I am scared that I am going to slip into some kind of depression because all I can bring myself to do is lay in my bed and cry as stupid and pathetic as that sounds but it's how I feel and I know no-one can ever truly understand except my Heavenly Father but I wish someone could. I just wish it didn't end like this, how could he just walk away? This has happened in the past before when we were 16 but those were different circumstances and it seemed more mutual. He says that he can't explain why he really needed to do it but that he feels it is right. What does that even mean?? Yes we have our problems and we may have had a few things to figure out with our future but that's the point of relationships! They aren't supposed to be easy and problem-free. We're supposed to work through them TOGETHER and he isn't supposed to give up on us, it's not fair to me. I have NEVER given up on him or us and it's always worked out in the end.
I just don't know how I can ever replace him as odd as that sounds to most because everyone says that he wasn't the best boyfriend and that we fought and other things but the truth is he was everything to me, he was always there to hear my problems and stories about my day and issues with my room-mates. He was always there when I was sad to comfort me. He made an effort to spend time with me even when I knew he had other things to do or maybe didn't want to do something, but he did anyway. He put up with my goofiness and my drama. He made me laugh, we had so many jokes and stories and memories. It's just all gone now and the worse part is that I feel like he is okay with it all, if it is going to be better and if this was the right choice, how come I don't feel an ounce of assurance? I don't feel good about this at all. I feel sick and misplaced and let down. I feel broken and unwanted. And don't tell me it's because I don't have faith, I have more faith than you can imagine and I have been on my knees till they hurt for the past week but I still feel nothing. Right now I am trying my best to forgive him and me I guess and then maybe I wont be so mad at him, I won't be in this great and terrible battle with myself of loving him and hating him. Maybe he really didn't realize how much I really loved. I don't think he knows how much this is really is affecting me and what he has chose to do. Maybe no-one does. I just can't wait until the hard part is over, maybe I will be able to finally live without Jared Handley in my life even though it still rocks me to the core to even type that sentence or re-tell myself that this is real.
I'm such a fool to think that I could actually have this perfect story kind of love and that it would last this time and that I would never have to taste the sting of love again. Well again I was wrong, I am so sick of this happening. Maybe I have this so off base picture of what love is supposed to be and what it feels like well maybe I will never fully grasp it again because after this, I don't know how I am supposed to love again. He cut me deep this time, deeper than ever before. All of my other heartbreaks seem almost childlike compared to this. I feel like beating the crap out of him so maybe he can physically feel a fraction of what I feel inside. I can always imagine it, hurting him for everything he has put me through but then when I see him or look at a picture, I know I could never hurt him, it's my blessing and curse at the same time. I just can't believe it's really over. I can't believe all those bridges we built are burned down.
I can't stand the fact that he isn't in my life anymore and that everything we have accomplished through the years and all the love we created is just destroyed. I remember a few times we would like saying that we have the kind of love that is so strong that you give that person the complete power to destroy you but with that power they make you unbelievably happy. Well I guess he ended up using that power to destroy me after all. It hurts, it really does. I can't see when I am going to not feel this void and emptiness because I have always had it when I didn't have his love, even at times when I had "moved on" and was dating someone else, it was still there. Is it any wonder that we have always found our way back to each other again? Does that mean that I am thinking this will blow over and we'll get back together eventually? Definitely not, as much as it hurts, I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again and that''s what makes this trial so indefinitely difficult. Well I think for now that is all I can get out, I know it's a lot but I find that writing these feelings down to myself rather than just thinking about them which ultimately makes me cry or talking to others which also results in crying or the giving of advice which I really don't need at the moment. So if anyone read this, I am sorry and just let it be.
I just don't know how I can ever replace him as odd as that sounds to most because everyone says that he wasn't the best boyfriend and that we fought and other things but the truth is he was everything to me, he was always there to hear my problems and stories about my day and issues with my room-mates. He was always there when I was sad to comfort me. He made an effort to spend time with me even when I knew he had other things to do or maybe didn't want to do something, but he did anyway. He put up with my goofiness and my drama. He made me laugh, we had so many jokes and stories and memories. It's just all gone now and the worse part is that I feel like he is okay with it all, if it is going to be better and if this was the right choice, how come I don't feel an ounce of assurance? I don't feel good about this at all. I feel sick and misplaced and let down. I feel broken and unwanted. And don't tell me it's because I don't have faith, I have more faith than you can imagine and I have been on my knees till they hurt for the past week but I still feel nothing. Right now I am trying my best to forgive him and me I guess and then maybe I wont be so mad at him, I won't be in this great and terrible battle with myself of loving him and hating him. Maybe he really didn't realize how much I really loved. I don't think he knows how much this is really is affecting me and what he has chose to do. Maybe no-one does. I just can't wait until the hard part is over, maybe I will be able to finally live without Jared Handley in my life even though it still rocks me to the core to even type that sentence or re-tell myself that this is real.
I'm such a fool to think that I could actually have this perfect story kind of love and that it would last this time and that I would never have to taste the sting of love again. Well again I was wrong, I am so sick of this happening. Maybe I have this so off base picture of what love is supposed to be and what it feels like well maybe I will never fully grasp it again because after this, I don't know how I am supposed to love again. He cut me deep this time, deeper than ever before. All of my other heartbreaks seem almost childlike compared to this. I feel like beating the crap out of him so maybe he can physically feel a fraction of what I feel inside. I can always imagine it, hurting him for everything he has put me through but then when I see him or look at a picture, I know I could never hurt him, it's my blessing and curse at the same time. I just can't believe it's really over. I can't believe all those bridges we built are burned down.
I can't stand the fact that he isn't in my life anymore and that everything we have accomplished through the years and all the love we created is just destroyed. I remember a few times we would like saying that we have the kind of love that is so strong that you give that person the complete power to destroy you but with that power they make you unbelievably happy. Well I guess he ended up using that power to destroy me after all. It hurts, it really does. I can't see when I am going to not feel this void and emptiness because I have always had it when I didn't have his love, even at times when I had "moved on" and was dating someone else, it was still there. Is it any wonder that we have always found our way back to each other again? Does that mean that I am thinking this will blow over and we'll get back together eventually? Definitely not, as much as it hurts, I don't think I could ever trust him with my heart again and that''s what makes this trial so indefinitely difficult. Well I think for now that is all I can get out, I know it's a lot but I find that writing these feelings down to myself rather than just thinking about them which ultimately makes me cry or talking to others which also results in crying or the giving of advice which I really don't need at the moment. So if anyone read this, I am sorry and just let it be.
Monday, May 7, 2012
I have returned!
Hello there :)
I've decided that since it is now summer and I don't work more than 30 hours a week ever that I have no excuse to get back up with my blog! So in case you were wondering life has been for the most part, good! Some things I'd like to highlight is that I am now an Associate Degree owner from DSC! woot! it feels pretty nice knowing I've gotten this far and I'm not even twenty yet! haha and I have also for a few months now started to read my scriptures in the morning rather than night which I didn't think I would EVER do ha but I think not only has it really helped me to read every day without fail but it also starts my day off so much better which is a major plus for me since I hate mornings! I have also been trying my best to attend the temple every week and so far I've been doing pretty good, I just wish so badly that I could go with Jared every week but it is just virtually impossible with our schedules. Yes I know we could go at 6 am but it's just hard for Jared to get up because of his insomnia :( I always feel so bad for him that he can't ever just sleep like a normal person.
In other news haha I have two of my closest friends getting married this year, it's so crazy! I truly am excited for them though :) maybe a little stressed but still so happy! and my other best friend Emma having a baby late this year too! Just so much excitement and blessings and things to look forward to! And you know occassionally people ask me what's the hold up with Jared and I or why am I waiting around for him or whatever it may be and well to be honest it's kind of the same when people ask others why they're getting married after only dating anywhere between ten to five months! I say that everyone's love is different, some can grow fast and others take more time. Some want to marry to date others want to date to get married. Whatever the case is that God knows what he is doing and if something or someone makes you happy then go for it :) Our time will come, it's just not now, but it will and I am looking forward to it :)
I also am still on the path of getting a new car and I mean new as in new to ownership for me but definitely not new as in it was just made this year haha! I am getting close though! I have about $2,200 saved up right now which is so amazing to me, I feel very proud of myself so the scouring of KSL continues! lol oh and I have also recieved the final grades of two of my 4 classes and so far an A and A- which the latter was in my hardest class :) YAY! I really am just so glad it is summer again, I just love it! I hope it will exceed my expectations! I'm going to try to work and save but at the same time not work all my days away! My room mates and I have created a little bucket list of things we want to do so that should be fun!! I want to make one with Jared too but then again we don't ever do well with plans haha well I am tired and out of boring updates on my average life ha so God be with you till we meet again ;)
I've decided that since it is now summer and I don't work more than 30 hours a week ever that I have no excuse to get back up with my blog! So in case you were wondering life has been for the most part, good! Some things I'd like to highlight is that I am now an Associate Degree owner from DSC! woot! it feels pretty nice knowing I've gotten this far and I'm not even twenty yet! haha and I have also for a few months now started to read my scriptures in the morning rather than night which I didn't think I would EVER do ha but I think not only has it really helped me to read every day without fail but it also starts my day off so much better which is a major plus for me since I hate mornings! I have also been trying my best to attend the temple every week and so far I've been doing pretty good, I just wish so badly that I could go with Jared every week but it is just virtually impossible with our schedules. Yes I know we could go at 6 am but it's just hard for Jared to get up because of his insomnia :( I always feel so bad for him that he can't ever just sleep like a normal person.
In other news haha I have two of my closest friends getting married this year, it's so crazy! I truly am excited for them though :) maybe a little stressed but still so happy! and my other best friend Emma having a baby late this year too! Just so much excitement and blessings and things to look forward to! And you know occassionally people ask me what's the hold up with Jared and I or why am I waiting around for him or whatever it may be and well to be honest it's kind of the same when people ask others why they're getting married after only dating anywhere between ten to five months! I say that everyone's love is different, some can grow fast and others take more time. Some want to marry to date others want to date to get married. Whatever the case is that God knows what he is doing and if something or someone makes you happy then go for it :) Our time will come, it's just not now, but it will and I am looking forward to it :)
I also am still on the path of getting a new car and I mean new as in new to ownership for me but definitely not new as in it was just made this year haha! I am getting close though! I have about $2,200 saved up right now which is so amazing to me, I feel very proud of myself so the scouring of KSL continues! lol oh and I have also recieved the final grades of two of my 4 classes and so far an A and A- which the latter was in my hardest class :) YAY! I really am just so glad it is summer again, I just love it! I hope it will exceed my expectations! I'm going to try to work and save but at the same time not work all my days away! My room mates and I have created a little bucket list of things we want to do so that should be fun!! I want to make one with Jared too but then again we don't ever do well with plans haha well I am tired and out of boring updates on my average life ha so God be with you till we meet again ;)
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Forever & Always
I really was planning on my next post being an actual update on my life and something happy! but I guess you can't plan life.. Well I was just listening to Taylor Swift today and I am still amazed that she knows just what words to write and how to put them together. This is so hard for me and I don't know what to do anymore, have you ever given your whole heart to someone and loved them unconditionally only to find out someday that they don't have that shared feeling? It may sound high school ish I know but it's even harder and more frustrating when you know they can love you like that because they have before but then they just decided to stop trying. Well before I say too much on here, here is the song I would like to share, it's called Forever and Always.
Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye. We caught onto something. I hold onto that night you looked me in the eye and told me, you. loved. me. Were you just kidding?? Cause' it seems to me, this thing is breaking down and we almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore.. Baby what happened? Please tell me, cause one second it was perfect! Now you're halfway out the door.. And I stare at the phone, you STILL haven't called and then I feel so low, I can't feel nothing at all and then I flashback to when you said forever and always. Oh and it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong, it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always.
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide? Like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes, thought I KNEW you for a minute but now I'm not so sure.. So here's to everything coming down. to. nothing. Here's to silence. That cuts me to the core, where is this going?? Thought I knew for a moment but I don't, anymore. Oh and it rains in my bedroom when everything is wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone! I was there when you said forever and always. You didn't mean it. Oh back up baby back up, did you forget everything? Back up baby back up did you forget about me? Back up, baby back up please! Cause it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong! It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always! Oh and I stare at the phone, you still haven't called.. and I feel so alone, I can't feel anything at all. Then I flashback to when we said forever and always. You didn't mean it. I don't think so.. you said forever and always.
Once upon a time, I believe it was a Tuesday when I caught your eye. We caught onto something. I hold onto that night you looked me in the eye and told me, you. loved. me. Were you just kidding?? Cause' it seems to me, this thing is breaking down and we almost never speak. I don't feel welcome anymore.. Baby what happened? Please tell me, cause one second it was perfect! Now you're halfway out the door.. And I stare at the phone, you STILL haven't called and then I feel so low, I can't feel nothing at all and then I flashback to when you said forever and always. Oh and it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong, it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always.
Was I out of line? Did I say something way too honest that made you run and hide? Like a scared little boy, I looked into your eyes, thought I KNEW you for a minute but now I'm not so sure.. So here's to everything coming down. to. nothing. Here's to silence. That cuts me to the core, where is this going?? Thought I knew for a moment but I don't, anymore. Oh and it rains in my bedroom when everything is wrong. It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone! I was there when you said forever and always. You didn't mean it. Oh back up baby back up, did you forget everything? Back up baby back up did you forget about me? Back up, baby back up please! Cause it rains in my bedroom and everything is wrong! It rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone. And I was there when you said forever and always! Oh and I stare at the phone, you still haven't called.. and I feel so alone, I can't feel anything at all. Then I flashback to when we said forever and always. You didn't mean it. I don't think so.. you said forever and always.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I'm just a silly girl
Sometimes I smile at you just so I can see you smile back.
Sometimes I do something stupid just to see if you will roll your eyes or do it with me.
Sometimes I run way faster than my body can go because I don't know how else to get my emotions out.
Sometimes I put myself down because I need you to lift me up.
Sometimes I lie about how I feel because I'm scared of what you would think.
Sometimes I watch chick flicks because I believe someday they will happen to me.
Sometimes I yell at my parents because they don't know you like I do.
Sometimes I cry after you leave because I don't know how to tell you you've hurt me.
Sometimes I call you a jerk because I'm not afraid of you.
Sometimes I write blogs about you because I miss you.
Sometimes I do my make-up different to see if you will notice.
Sometimes I feel like I love you too much but I can't help it.
Sometimes I stare at my phone waiting for you to text me.
Sometimes I ask you to explain something to me just so I can hear your voice.
Sometimes I want to run away but that would mean leaving you behind.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the girl of your dreams because you are better than the man of mine.
Sometimes I go crazy worrying about everything and asking you dumb questions and wondering what's on your mind and feeling inadequate and just trying to be perfect all the time. I don't have a reason really, I don't always have an explanation for all the things I do that you don't understand at times. I guess maybe I'm just a silly girl.
Sometimes I do something stupid just to see if you will roll your eyes or do it with me.
Sometimes I run way faster than my body can go because I don't know how else to get my emotions out.
Sometimes I put myself down because I need you to lift me up.
Sometimes I lie about how I feel because I'm scared of what you would think.
Sometimes I watch chick flicks because I believe someday they will happen to me.
Sometimes I yell at my parents because they don't know you like I do.
Sometimes I cry after you leave because I don't know how to tell you you've hurt me.
Sometimes I call you a jerk because I'm not afraid of you.
Sometimes I write blogs about you because I miss you.
Sometimes I do my make-up different to see if you will notice.
Sometimes I feel like I love you too much but I can't help it.
Sometimes I stare at my phone waiting for you to text me.
Sometimes I ask you to explain something to me just so I can hear your voice.
Sometimes I want to run away but that would mean leaving you behind.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm the girl of your dreams because you are better than the man of mine.
Sometimes I go crazy worrying about everything and asking you dumb questions and wondering what's on your mind and feeling inadequate and just trying to be perfect all the time. I don't have a reason really, I don't always have an explanation for all the things I do that you don't understand at times. I guess maybe I'm just a silly girl.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Just Because
She knows right when I'm about cry.
I know she can do it when she doesn't want to try.
She is sometimes the only one who laughs when I'm trying to be funny.
As long as I am here, she will never feel like a nobody.
She will stay up all night if I have to talk.
If she can no longer run, I will help her to walk.
She gives me everything even if that leaves her with none.
I wonder if she knows how much she is loved.
She holds my hand tight when I start to go under.
I don't trust any guy to ever be good enough for her.
She means everything to me and I thank God daily.
I recieved the best of sisters and that includes Hailey.
Not much has changed since we were 7 and 10,
Except now instead of barbies, we have internet.
We are now 19 and 22
With so little to gain but so much to lose.
She is still my best friend now and forever,
More like an angel, my sister, Heather.
I know she can do it when she doesn't want to try.
She is sometimes the only one who laughs when I'm trying to be funny.
As long as I am here, she will never feel like a nobody.
She will stay up all night if I have to talk.
If she can no longer run, I will help her to walk.
She gives me everything even if that leaves her with none.
I wonder if she knows how much she is loved.
She holds my hand tight when I start to go under.
I don't trust any guy to ever be good enough for her.
She means everything to me and I thank God daily.
I recieved the best of sisters and that includes Hailey.
Not much has changed since we were 7 and 10,
Except now instead of barbies, we have internet.
We are now 19 and 22
With so little to gain but so much to lose.
She is still my best friend now and forever,
More like an angel, my sister, Heather.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Time time.. and more time
Christmas is coming and I am so excited! but it is so crazy how fast December went by! in fact this whole semester went by fast!! It's a good thing though because I am just plowing forward trying to get school done so I can finally get a job that I love. We had early present exchange with my roommates, it was the best :) They know me so well and I loved seeing their faces as they opened mine. Time is such a weird thing, it just seems like it is always flying by yet when you are anticipating something or greatly want something to happen, why does it go by so slow?? it is frustrating because I am so impatient! It is kind of ironic that I am listening to firework because the other thing on my mind is I want people to know that I am going to be okay and to have faith in my choices.
I know that nobody has ever really understood why I love Jared and why we kept getting back together and I know it all seems very cliche and maybe annoying but I guess I don't know how to explain it either. I just love him and that's all that matters. One of the hardest things is getting used to how they express their love. There are so many times that I doubt he loves me as much as I love him, I know I know it sounds so high school but I am serious and I know I need to get better at it, it's just difficult. Jared and I know that we want to be together and we have a third of the people we know saying to not waste time and risk messing up and go for it and not worry about finances because God will take care of you then we have the other third telling us to wait because we have plenty of time and we need to get established first then lastly we have the other third saying to ignore everyone else and do what WE want. Well that's the only problem, Jared and I seem to want different things or I guess time frames. and this is where that time annoyance comes in. a year and a half or even two years seems like a hecka long time to wait before marrying him but maybe that is what's best, it's just hard. It's hard having uncertainty, it's hard knowing that something is so right and that you are so ready but having to wait. It's hard not being able to take that next crucial step in our relationship, I feel like we are just stuck because we don't have anything to build on or to move forward to. Well that's all the depressing factors I suppose. I know this gives us more time to "get to know each other" ha that just makes me laugh, as if we need that. And I know it gives me more time to work on myself or whatever and enjoying more time with my room mates and college and less stress I guess and more family time even though I live three hundred miles away..
All of these things have really made me realize though, how long I have been drifting farther and farther from my Heavenly Father and that I need to get back. Maybe it's all a sign or something, I have realized I need him more than ever right now. The greatest thing about Christ is that no matter how far you get away from him or how much you deny that you need him, he always finds you and reminds you that you do. I also need to work on my family relationships, I envy the relationship Heather has with my Mom and Dad, maybe it's because she is the oldest and more wise? haha but I think it is because she puts more time into it, I guess it's just always been harder for me to do that. So maybe it isn't so bad that Jared and I are pushing the next step back a little but it is still hard to accept. There are things that need to be worked on in my life, I know that but I just can't wait till my best friend can be a part of all that. I want to make my major decisions with him, I want us to be poor at the start and grow stronger together because of it, and find fun ways to save money. I want to wake up to his warm smile and know that when I come home, he is always going to be there. It's not really about the ring or the pretty dress or the nice wedding anymore, it's just about belonging to something, starting off my own life, knowing that I can do something viewed as hard or a big deal because it is and I can. It's a little bit of stubbornness as well in not wanting to do what other people say is best or advise is smart or not proving people right. Hmm I guess I should probably stop ranting to my computer now.. My wish for this Christmas is to realize what I need to do and remember what Christ has done for me and how much the people in my life love me.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!
I know that nobody has ever really understood why I love Jared and why we kept getting back together and I know it all seems very cliche and maybe annoying but I guess I don't know how to explain it either. I just love him and that's all that matters. One of the hardest things is getting used to how they express their love. There are so many times that I doubt he loves me as much as I love him, I know I know it sounds so high school but I am serious and I know I need to get better at it, it's just difficult. Jared and I know that we want to be together and we have a third of the people we know saying to not waste time and risk messing up and go for it and not worry about finances because God will take care of you then we have the other third telling us to wait because we have plenty of time and we need to get established first then lastly we have the other third saying to ignore everyone else and do what WE want. Well that's the only problem, Jared and I seem to want different things or I guess time frames. and this is where that time annoyance comes in. a year and a half or even two years seems like a hecka long time to wait before marrying him but maybe that is what's best, it's just hard. It's hard having uncertainty, it's hard knowing that something is so right and that you are so ready but having to wait. It's hard not being able to take that next crucial step in our relationship, I feel like we are just stuck because we don't have anything to build on or to move forward to. Well that's all the depressing factors I suppose. I know this gives us more time to "get to know each other" ha that just makes me laugh, as if we need that. And I know it gives me more time to work on myself or whatever and enjoying more time with my room mates and college and less stress I guess and more family time even though I live three hundred miles away..
All of these things have really made me realize though, how long I have been drifting farther and farther from my Heavenly Father and that I need to get back. Maybe it's all a sign or something, I have realized I need him more than ever right now. The greatest thing about Christ is that no matter how far you get away from him or how much you deny that you need him, he always finds you and reminds you that you do. I also need to work on my family relationships, I envy the relationship Heather has with my Mom and Dad, maybe it's because she is the oldest and more wise? haha but I think it is because she puts more time into it, I guess it's just always been harder for me to do that. So maybe it isn't so bad that Jared and I are pushing the next step back a little but it is still hard to accept. There are things that need to be worked on in my life, I know that but I just can't wait till my best friend can be a part of all that. I want to make my major decisions with him, I want us to be poor at the start and grow stronger together because of it, and find fun ways to save money. I want to wake up to his warm smile and know that when I come home, he is always going to be there. It's not really about the ring or the pretty dress or the nice wedding anymore, it's just about belonging to something, starting off my own life, knowing that I can do something viewed as hard or a big deal because it is and I can. It's a little bit of stubbornness as well in not wanting to do what other people say is best or advise is smart or not proving people right. Hmm I guess I should probably stop ranting to my computer now.. My wish for this Christmas is to realize what I need to do and remember what Christ has done for me and how much the people in my life love me.
Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Getting Better
Well I was just reading through the past month of my sister's blog so I felt inspired haha. Just one of the ways I wish I could be more like her! So there are just a few things on my mind I would like to share.
First, I was able to go to church today and I bore my testimony and I forgot how good it feels. I am not sure what has happened to me.. as I was reflecting about some things today I realized that it's not that I am doing anything bad therefore I feel okay because I'm not sinning ha which is a good start! However, living the gospel is so much more than just not doing bad things, it's all about DOING good things. It is really not enough just to know it is true and to know you love God, it's about living that. Have you ever heard "Live Like You Believe" by Jenny Phillips? Well it is a great one I would suggest! Part of my testimony was sharing one of my favorite scriptures Ether 12:4, it basically tells us that through our faith in Jesus Christ, we can hope for a better world, which faith and hope is an anchor to our souls. I just love that! No matter how crazy the waves get or how strong the winds are or how lost I get and no matter how my heart is breaking; I can throw down that anchor at anytime and he will be there. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and the fact that he will never give up on me or let me go.
Second, my new favorite song lately is "Not Like The Movies" by Katy Perry. Usually on normal days I just belt it out and just love the words! But on days like these where I feel like I can unfortunately relate to it, it makes me sad. I sort of love songs like that! haha but really I am just feeling so out of place and sometimes I wish it was like the movies where you get into some fight about something that was silly in the first place then it turns into a bigger deal then things get said that shouldn't have and she ends up crying herself to sleep and he ends up going to bed angry and they are both to stubborn to talk about it until he realizes all she really does for him and that she is an amazing beautiful woman who just wants to know that he thinks she is perfect even in her imperfections and that sometimes she wants him to fight for her because he thinks she is worth it. Occasionally she wants him to hold her close and whisper in her ear that she is gorgeous because she just might need to hear it that day. She loves him so much and defends him everyday to anyone who might say something bad, the way she looks at him is obvious that she is head over heels in love with this kid and maybe some days she wants that same look.. That's always how the movies go and then the guy runs after her in the pounding rain and pours out his heart to her. Some days I feel it is unrealistic to even dream about these things but other days I feel like if you have any kind of dream there is no reason why it can't come true. Why shouldn't your dreams be a reality? Besides my fairy tale dreams, I also have a dream of singing for something, I really don't want to be on American Idol or be the next T-Swift, even if I just did a 5-song demo c.d for an LDS label ha that would still satisfy my dream so I see no reason why I can't do that.
Things are kind of hard right now but I know I will pull through and I am grateful for my room mates and my sister and my Mom. They do so much for me and I have always been horrible at verbalizing and even sometimes showing my love and appreciation but I am trying. Oh and I will also try and get better at blogging.. ha even though I think it is more for me than anyone else, I have heard people say that my blog is depressing lol! but that's alright, it's just where I vent and think about things. Till next time, Holly signing off :)
First, I was able to go to church today and I bore my testimony and I forgot how good it feels. I am not sure what has happened to me.. as I was reflecting about some things today I realized that it's not that I am doing anything bad therefore I feel okay because I'm not sinning ha which is a good start! However, living the gospel is so much more than just not doing bad things, it's all about DOING good things. It is really not enough just to know it is true and to know you love God, it's about living that. Have you ever heard "Live Like You Believe" by Jenny Phillips? Well it is a great one I would suggest! Part of my testimony was sharing one of my favorite scriptures Ether 12:4, it basically tells us that through our faith in Jesus Christ, we can hope for a better world, which faith and hope is an anchor to our souls. I just love that! No matter how crazy the waves get or how strong the winds are or how lost I get and no matter how my heart is breaking; I can throw down that anchor at anytime and he will be there. I'm so grateful for that knowledge and the fact that he will never give up on me or let me go.
Second, my new favorite song lately is "Not Like The Movies" by Katy Perry. Usually on normal days I just belt it out and just love the words! But on days like these where I feel like I can unfortunately relate to it, it makes me sad. I sort of love songs like that! haha but really I am just feeling so out of place and sometimes I wish it was like the movies where you get into some fight about something that was silly in the first place then it turns into a bigger deal then things get said that shouldn't have and she ends up crying herself to sleep and he ends up going to bed angry and they are both to stubborn to talk about it until he realizes all she really does for him and that she is an amazing beautiful woman who just wants to know that he thinks she is perfect even in her imperfections and that sometimes she wants him to fight for her because he thinks she is worth it. Occasionally she wants him to hold her close and whisper in her ear that she is gorgeous because she just might need to hear it that day. She loves him so much and defends him everyday to anyone who might say something bad, the way she looks at him is obvious that she is head over heels in love with this kid and maybe some days she wants that same look.. That's always how the movies go and then the guy runs after her in the pounding rain and pours out his heart to her. Some days I feel it is unrealistic to even dream about these things but other days I feel like if you have any kind of dream there is no reason why it can't come true. Why shouldn't your dreams be a reality? Besides my fairy tale dreams, I also have a dream of singing for something, I really don't want to be on American Idol or be the next T-Swift, even if I just did a 5-song demo c.d for an LDS label ha that would still satisfy my dream so I see no reason why I can't do that.
Things are kind of hard right now but I know I will pull through and I am grateful for my room mates and my sister and my Mom. They do so much for me and I have always been horrible at verbalizing and even sometimes showing my love and appreciation but I am trying. Oh and I will also try and get better at blogging.. ha even though I think it is more for me than anyone else, I have heard people say that my blog is depressing lol! but that's alright, it's just where I vent and think about things. Till next time, Holly signing off :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Remember When? Some things never change..
I guess for a few days I have been thinking about the past a bit. Just things I have done and things I didn't and some things that changed and some things that never will. When I was little Heather was my best friend, we had normal fights like any other siblings but I could never bring myself to hate her like sadly, some people let happen. From when I was three and she was six she has been there for me and now I'm almost 19 and she is 21 and she is still taking care of me. It is kinda crazy to see how much we have grown up and the things we've been through and the amazing woman she has become but some things like sisters being best friends FOREVER will never change. It is also crazy to think that two years ago my family had no interest in the church and my little siblings were getting more and more lost. Who knew after 5 years of hoping and praying, I was sealed to them last year! I know now that people and things DO change if it is God's will he will find a way. 6 years ago I met the sweetest and cutest girl ever who knew I needed a friend and who knew that although we were pretty opposite as far as personalities go, we clicked and she became my best friend and I truly believe one for life. Things have changed, we have moved away and she is now happily married and we don't get to talk as much but I can still feel her love and support for me. No matter what happens that friendship we have built will never go away. My little sister is starting Jr. High this year, I can't believe how long ago that seems for me! I was so little and let's admit, not on the attractive side lol and also terrified! Jr. High was some hard times and I'll admit I am scared for her! And that is another thing that will never change, Jr. High sucks. end of story haha. I also remember when I was 16 and I met this crazy blonde haired boy and took him on a date. Soon after that, we became some sort of thing I guess and then I thought for sure I was in real love with him. Although we haven't always had the best of times and we broke apart a few times, he was always one of my dearest friends and I would have done anything for him in a heartbeat. Who could have guessed that almost two and a half years later, I still get butterflies when he holds my hand and I still dream of being with him forever and we are still the best of friends and he still knows exactly what I'm thinking sometimes and he knows just how to make things better and when I'm about to cry and if I'm lying ( I could do without that one..) and I still can't picture my life without him. Of all the things I do remember and all the things that have changed, could change or will change and all that life has taught me and brought me to up to this point is that a life without love isn't complete. No matter what you find and invest your love in, there must be something. "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." I remember the day I fell for him and I am still in love with Jared Handley and that will never change.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I Don't Know Who I am Without You
It's one thing when others, boys especially, hurt me and just don't really seem to care but then when they do the same to my friends, it makes me even more mad! I hate when I see others treating my best friends or my family like crap. Sometimes I wish I could just pull them all behind me and just fight all their battles and beat every person up who ever thought it was okay to not treat them like they amazing loving person they are! I admit that sometimes when things happen to me, I really feel like I deserved it for whatever reason, kind of like karma but when I see my family and my best friends do absolutely nothing wrong and still get hurt, it just drives me crazy and it breaks my heart. I want to be that person for them, I want to be the one they know will fight for them and take the fall, I want to be the one they know I won't take any of that, I won't let others hurt them, I won't allow bullies to be in their life! But it's sad because I feel like I really try to be and sometimes I feel like I am but they don't know that.. and maybe it's my fault but I guess maybe sometimes they don't realize how much I do and how much I would literally take a bullet for them. I definitely don't want to make this sound like it's a burden on me because it's definitely not. But I guess when it gets to the point that I feel like they don't need it or me for that matter.. I guess that's when I question what am I doing?
A couple months ago I went home for a spring break and all at once, all three of my best friends were having a hard time and so each told me everything that was going on and cried and looked to me for some kind of answer, I couldn't give them one because there is no definite answer for life's problems but I hope I said something that helped them.. anyway one of the nights Jared took me for a drive and I was just so upset that all these things were happening to my best friends and that I couldn't help them. I couldn't be there for them because I lived 300 miles away. I was helpless and hurting so bad for them, I wished so bad that night that I could just take it all away from them. I cried my eyes out that night to Jared and I don't think he quite understood why but he said afterwards that my friends will be okay because they have me.. he said that he hasn't ever seen someone care so much for a friend before let alone three. But he also said to be careful because the people who care so much tend to get hurt. I just want them to know that I am here. I want them to need me.. heh. Jared is that person to me, he was always saving me and fighting my battles and answering the phone at two in the morning and waiting ready to take that bullet for me. I miss him so much, and I am grateful for him and for all my other friends and my family. You have all made me who I am today.
A couple months ago I went home for a spring break and all at once, all three of my best friends were having a hard time and so each told me everything that was going on and cried and looked to me for some kind of answer, I couldn't give them one because there is no definite answer for life's problems but I hope I said something that helped them.. anyway one of the nights Jared took me for a drive and I was just so upset that all these things were happening to my best friends and that I couldn't help them. I couldn't be there for them because I lived 300 miles away. I was helpless and hurting so bad for them, I wished so bad that night that I could just take it all away from them. I cried my eyes out that night to Jared and I don't think he quite understood why but he said afterwards that my friends will be okay because they have me.. he said that he hasn't ever seen someone care so much for a friend before let alone three. But he also said to be careful because the people who care so much tend to get hurt. I just want them to know that I am here. I want them to need me.. heh. Jared is that person to me, he was always saving me and fighting my battles and answering the phone at two in the morning and waiting ready to take that bullet for me. I miss him so much, and I am grateful for him and for all my other friends and my family. You have all made me who I am today.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
See You Soon
Yesterday I had to see Jared for the last time for the next two years and tonight at 8 pm I have to say goodbye and not hear his voice again for two years. I love him so much though! He left me with a teddy-wolf who is wearing a cute little missionary outfit and a Book of Mormon :) He also gave me a pretty heart necklace, it's sparkly and I love it! He left me his Zune to watch over and nurture lol and some pictures, and a guitar pick, and some notes and letters from while we were dating, and he also recorded a little video for me to watch when I get lonely. Most importantly he has left me with his love and I really take that seriously :) He is my will to carry on and he is everything to me! I have never felt this way before and although it is so hard to let him go, it's not a goodbye. He will be back home to me soon :) I will never forget about him and us. He is the sweetest guy I have ever met and sometimes I still think how did I get him? and why me? He could have any other girl he wanted but he chose me! And I just can't help but feel that this is so right, he and I just make sense and I just feel like everything that we have been through and that even when all the odds were against us and it seemed stupid that we came back together and we don't have a lot of support or people we can share it with but I know it's true. Every fiber of my being tells me it all has to mean something.. I don't have the authority to say that we are meant to be and that we will end up together but I do hope for it so so much and I have so much faith in him.. but more importantly I trust in my God too and I know he will take care of us and by whatever means, make us happy :) So it isn't goodbye to my sweetheart, Jared. It's see you soon babe :) I love you always and forever.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Time For Change
oh dear, I know it has been forever since I blogged and I am ashamed haha but I am considering making mine a little more interesting with real things I guess? ha so I can't believe how many things have happened in my life in the last 2 and half months. Well Jared and I officially got back together and for once, I feel so good about it. I haven't had so much love in such a short amount of time before. He is leaving for his mission in one week and I am scared.. but also so proud of him. I know what the effect of conversion and hearts changing can bring about and knowing the story of my family, there is no way I would not let him go. Even if there is just one single person waiting for him to come change their lives.. that one person needs him more than I do. I will miss him more than I can imagine but I know everything will be okay and that I will be comforted :)
Some other changes that are occuring includes school coming to an end, I can't believe I have already completed a whole year of college! it went by fast, and I'm taking this summer off to just work a ton and hopefully have some fun! Also Courtney is leaving.. we have known eachother since freshman year and maybe before that but we never really got close close but if I had known how amazing she was and how great of a friend she is, I would have tightened our friendship long ago! I am going to miss her so much this summer. My best friend Emma is also getting married in June and idk if I am ready for that change either! I still remember us as little seventh graders! and now she is starting a family! I am so excited for her and proud and I know she found a wonderful guy who is going to take care of her and love her for all eternity so that puts me at ease :) I have realized that I don't ever really wish to do things over or for second chances, I think I more just wish for more time. More time with my friends, more time with Jared, more time to sleep, more time to get to know people, more time to let things go, more time to watch One Tree Hill! lol but really I know that it's never too late to do things or influence people but sometimes we make mistakes ya know? well that's all I have for now so to whoever reads my blog.. farewell! :)
Some other changes that are occuring includes school coming to an end, I can't believe I have already completed a whole year of college! it went by fast, and I'm taking this summer off to just work a ton and hopefully have some fun! Also Courtney is leaving.. we have known eachother since freshman year and maybe before that but we never really got close close but if I had known how amazing she was and how great of a friend she is, I would have tightened our friendship long ago! I am going to miss her so much this summer. My best friend Emma is also getting married in June and idk if I am ready for that change either! I still remember us as little seventh graders! and now she is starting a family! I am so excited for her and proud and I know she found a wonderful guy who is going to take care of her and love her for all eternity so that puts me at ease :) I have realized that I don't ever really wish to do things over or for second chances, I think I more just wish for more time. More time with my friends, more time with Jared, more time to sleep, more time to get to know people, more time to let things go, more time to watch One Tree Hill! lol but really I know that it's never too late to do things or influence people but sometimes we make mistakes ya know? well that's all I have for now so to whoever reads my blog.. farewell! :)
Monday, February 14, 2011
Home
I think everybody reaches that point when they're at college and everything is going good but also everything is going wrong. It's not that my room-mates are being mean or that my classes are hard and it's definitely not that the weather is bad. I just wish I could go home. I need to get away from here for awhile. I wish I could go back to the summers at home where Emma and Mirranda and I would always go to that cute little candy store and get the most delicious chocolates. I wish I could be walking through the gateway with them right now without a care in the world. I wish I could just stay home on a Saturday night and mess around and have fun with my siblings. I wish I could walk into my moms room while she's watching CSI and just sit on her bed and talk to her. I wish I could just take a drive all the way up Middle Canyon to clear my head or just drive all over Tooele which would only take less than an hour and not have to worry about getting lost or getting trapped headed on a freeway. I wish I go to a park at eleven o clock and just lay under the stars. I wish I could be having a sleepover with Corinne right now. Yes, high school had drama and parents and rules but life was simpler than it is now. Now I'm alone with a thousand people who don't know me at all. I'm living in an apartment that will never be home and I'm making these wishes that cant come true. I do know one thing for sure, if I didn't have Heather, I would most definitely be having a mid-life crisis. Everybody is right though, I didn't realize all I had until it was gone. They also say that home is where your heart is, well I am struggling with who I am and what I want and to be honest, I really don't know where my heart is so it seems appropriate if I want to figure these things out, I need to go home. I miss home.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
The Personal Contract
Regardless of any other agreements I have made with anybody else thus far in my life, the greatest agreement I hold myself to is that to myself. That once I told myself that I am Holly Marie Moat and I can do anything. I don't have to live for anybody. The only other person that is an equal contract holder and liable for what I do and don't do is God. Nothing is ever set in stone and nothing is ever meant to be. Everything that happens does because of a chain of events that were caused by individuals making, following, or breaking an agreement. When you have faith in someone, you are trusting that they have written their personal contract and that they have that agreement beween them and God to be the best they can be at all times. I am my best and I do my best because I can and I choose to, it doesn't matter what anyone else wants from me. If you worry about me or show a lack of confidence in my chioces then you are doubting my ability to follow my contract. Nevertheless it doesn't matter. I don't need anyone to have faith in me or trust me or even love me. I don't even need a man to be happy. I am responsible for my own happiness. I know that God loves me, he trusts me, he knows me and I trust him and love him. That agreement is one I will never bargain because it is the only one that matters. Even when all my other agreements are being shattered and my whole contract seems to be falling apart right in front of me and my very knowledge of who I am is seemingly being broken, that one agreement always remains standing and strong waiting for me to fall upon it. He remains there waiting for me to come to him and in-turn fufill that contract we made so very long ago. So what is my contract? Well, I believe in Christ and more importantly he believes in me and that is what makes every moment count.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
The Song Stuck In My Head
Let's just admit it that I have seen this thing they call love never work out. I've been deserted and I've been hurt too many times before. But now you're here standing in front of me and I just can't stop from thinking..
Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
You come close to me, I start trembling because I still can't beleive that it's true. You make my heart race when I look at you're face telling me that you'll never leave and then I think..
Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
Yes here it is, right before me. I can see it.. Could this be my happy ending? Now I'm letting go, falling for everything and finally I want to tell you what's been on my mind..
Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise. Your laugh is still stuck in my head, goin la la la love. Your hands are my safest anchor and your kiss takes me far away and the voice that says we're going to make it, it goes la la la la love. Now I sing la la la la love. La la la la love.
Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
You come close to me, I start trembling because I still can't beleive that it's true. You make my heart race when I look at you're face telling me that you'll never leave and then I think..
Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise and your laugh is like the song stuck in my head, it goes la la la la.
Yes here it is, right before me. I can see it.. Could this be my happy ending? Now I'm letting go, falling for everything and finally I want to tell you what's been on my mind..
Your smile is like the stars I can't describe. Your eyes are like the perfect sunrise. Your laugh is still stuck in my head, goin la la la love. Your hands are my safest anchor and your kiss takes me far away and the voice that says we're going to make it, it goes la la la la love. Now I sing la la la la love. La la la la love.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
When Faith Is All I Have
More things deny the presence of God than the things that can't help but show there is. I have sadly come to find out this statement is true in the world today, but why? Some say it is because he is merciless and yet we all have a hope inside us that he is when we reach judgement day. Some say it is because he doesn't answer our prayers and yet we fail to be quiet enough to hear him. Others make the claim that we came from the natural occurrences of nature and space and yet the phenomenal wonders of the human brain and even the miracle of birth gives doubt to that. Many will say it is because they haven't seen any signs of his hand in their life but then again they wake up every morning still breathing, they just barely missed that car at the intersection, they passed that final exam they didn't study for, their spouse made it through the surgery without any complications. Yet, for all the other times that a loved one didn't wake up that morning, that car hit you, you failed the final exam, and the surgery didn't go as planned.. well that is what we call life and it has to happen to everybody. Don't ever think that because something you are going through is really hurting you and making your life miserable that it must mean there is no God or that he must not love you as much as everyone else. When you say that, you are telling everyone around you that whatever they are going through or will go through doesn't matter because you have it worse and you hurt worse. The thing to realize here is that it is life. We have to go through hell and walk on nails and fall to the ground and not just once, again and again. But after you have tasted the bitter, than comes the sweet. If the bitter and hard things become more important or bring you down, the good things aren't worth it anymore. We have to fight for the good things in the world. I have found that the more good you try to find, the more evil that comes. Well, just keep fighting. I don't have proof. I don't have evidence. I can't even make a promise. But this is when it counts. This is when I have to hold on, I have to fight. This is when faith is all I have.
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